Tuesday, April 19, 2011

And what do we fertilize delicate flowers with?

Why is everyone so darned serious in these commercials? I mean, they are already at a chain restaurant dive which prides itself on featuring cheap junk at low prices (all you can eat for under five dollars?) Do they think that being carefully meticulous in building their salads they can somehow mitigate the shame of choosing THIS as an appropriate place to eat?

And who actually eats at All You Can Eat joints, anyway? Why would anyone look forward to a night of gorging ones self with carbs and sugar before waddling back to the car hoping that there's something left of that roll of TUMS you left in the glove compartment? Why would anyone want to eat until they couldn't eat anymore (and if you DON'T want to eat until your stomach is pressed up against your lungs, why go to an All You Can Eat place at all- why accept All You Can Eat quality if that's not your intention?) It's really not enough that we live in the richest, fattest nation on Earth without demanding the right to consume enough calories to feed your average Ethiopian village for a week at one sitting (and all for under five dollars!?)

I do like the way this commercial cuts through the BS- no, Cicis customers are not there for the salad bar. You can pretend that you are going to pay All You Can Eat prices and then just build yourself a healthy little pile of greens and tomatoes (sloooowllly....jeesh, how long is this woman's lunch break? Good thing there's nobody in "line" behind her....he might be compelled to become a "line jumper...") but in the end, you are going to be piling that plate with slices of pizza, cinnamon buns, and all the rest of the fatty dreck places like this specialize in. And because you are a typical slob, you are going to value your sitting down time more than your dignity, and show your disdain for the idea of actually getting up more than once to refill that plate. Of course, this means that you are going to sit down with a disgusting mountain of "food"-- but what difference does that make, when the rest of the sweaty herd around you has done the same thing?

And as if to give a big Cicis Thumbs Up to this behavior, the ad concludes with a delightful shot of this idiot shoveling food into her cake hole as if someone's going to be stealing it from her in a few minutes, before looking around to check if someone here looks like they might be familiar with the Heimlich Maneuver (I'm guessing that the staff are all experts at it.) She can't really be feeling a modicum of shame for what she's doing, can she? I mean, she's at CICIS!!

So come to Cicis, where you are encouraged to play Disgusting Pig At The Trough. I'll think I'll pass on the Cheesy Deliciousness, thanks anyway.


  1. I think I found something we can tax to death with a clear conscience; it's not like the gluttons will be able to protest owing to their being in a cardiac ICU.

  2. Imagine the commercials protesting a 25 cent tax on all you can eat pizza buffets- "hey Washington, don't you realize how hard it is to feed a family these days??"

  3. As someone who enjoys pizza, I have to say that these ads do nothing for me in the aesthetics department. I mean, the pizza looks disgusting, flat, gooey (not in a good way) and just greasy. At least the other pizza chains (you know the ones, they also deliver to your house) pretty up their pizza for the TV ads, so it at least appears appealing.

    I opt for the locally-owned Italian place that also happens to do pizza on top of some very delicious other food. At least I know the dough is made fresh, not a frozen disk. The sauce is their sauce, the cheese... all of it isn't frozen.

    If I want a greasy, flat, frozen disk with frozen, processed cheese on it, I'll save myself the time and trouble and just buy a Tombstone pizza at the grocery store. See? They put it right in the name!

  4. The thought process customers of Cicis and Golden Corral go through:

    1. I want to eat a lot of food.
    2. I don't care what it tastes like- it has to be hot, and cheap.
    3. I want to eat a LOT of food.

    Using the term "thought process" very loosely of course. Because really, if any "thought" went into the decision, you'd go somewhere else, or just eat at home and save up for a nice meal at a real restaurant.

  5. Those all-you-can-stuff places remind me of zombies, shuffling around. They're a precursor to this zombie apocalypse, but by the time the actual zombies happen, we won't be able to tell who is a real zombie and who just ate too much at CiCi's.

    Either way, we'll be able to outrun them.