Wednesday, April 27, 2011 don't buy toilet tissue?

Why are television commercials still locked into some fairy tale version of the 1950s? Here we have a crowd of women (and ONLY women) discussing something "nobody wants to talk about." "It's time to be honest about what goes on in the bathroom," one of them tells us.

Ok, stop right there. First, who is being "dishonest" about what is "going on in the bathroom?" Second, no, we really don't. There's this nice little theory that "some things are better left unsaid." Fits here.

There's a lot of crap about how Quilted Northern (I don't know why, but that name just strikes me as so funny- no matter how thick and soft your toilet paper is, would you ever really describe it as "Quilted?" And why "Northern?" Is this stuff being produced in a textile factory in Lowell, Massachusetts? I hardly think so.) But I don't pay much attention to it, because I can't get past the idea that in the United States, in 2011, only WOMEN are qualified to talk about "bath tissue" (snigger.) I suppose that's because women, in the United States, in 2011, still do all the shopping and are the only people who have time to even think about stuff like "what's really going on in the bathroom."

Men, you see, are too busy managing their stock portfolios, working their Blackberries and waiting for the mountains on their beer cans to turn blue. It's not that bathroom tissue isn't important - it's just not within the American male's Sphere of Influence. Get it?

Yeah, I get it. It's 2011 on the calendar, but it's still 1955 on television, and apparently it always will be. I'd just like to know what Quilted Northern expects a single guy like me, who must make non-Male choices like which bathroom tissue to purchase all the time, is supposed to do, without a Tissue-Expert Woman around to steer him in the right direction.


  1. Toilet tissue is one of the very few things the Disabled Guy can buy without me having to write down the entire brand name as it appears on the label. I say "toilet paper" and he gets the correct brand. And he has brain damage that is the result of a stroke 16 years ago (he was 28 then, long story, there's a blog for it if you're interested).

    But, because of that brain damage, if I want, say, Ziploc bags, I have to write down: "Ziploc 1 gallon Freezer double-zip frost-guard crime-stopping peace-inducing Bags 24 count" otherwise he'll come back with generic trash bags. "What? You said plastic bags. These are plastic."

    Toilet paper- not an issue for even a brain-damaged stroke survivor.

    We don't use Northern, quilted or otherwise.

  2. Not only do the admen insist that men don't buy toilet paper, we also don't buy paper towels, toilet bowl cleaner, disinfectant and other cleaning supplies or groceries.

  3. If you think this is absurd, consider that the Quilted Northern ads used to be worse. Remember when they featured cartoon women whose job it supposedly was to do the actual "quilting"? Who sat and talked to each other like Amish women as they worked diligently on their task, into which they invested such time, care and artistry?

    Think about it. These cartoon "quilters" were investing all that time, care and energy into something that was just going to be used know.

    It's an insult to the intelligence of anyone to even conceive of an ad in which cartoon women carefully "quilt" toilet paper. Really.