Monday, April 11, 2011

Deleted Scene from "Idiocracy"

It's official; Verizon has run out of ways to show the knuckle-dragging, technology-addled, socially retarded losers who make up the sad population of customers for their stupid, life-sucking little toys how SuperAwesomeAmazinglyFast these things can download stuff they have no intention of ever actually using or even looking at.

As near as I can tell without subjecting myself to watching this commercial more than a few times (come on, I'm not getting paid for this, you know) the ad involves three twenty-somethings who have no idea how short life really is who have been talked into spending an afternoon at some kind of shooting range to watch a rocket take out a Verizon phone. So far, so good- although I think the commercial would have been even more entertaining if they had just picked one of these "Woo-Hoo" glue-sniffers to hold the phone instead of taping it to the target.

The object of the "contest" here is to download as much as possible before the rocket reaches the phone. I guess. This makes sense to someone out there- actually, it makes sense to a lot of people on YouTube, who naturally think that this is all ROTFLMAO hysterical and epic and all the rest.

What gets downloaded in the few seconds it takes for the rocket to reach it's target? A photo. A video game. "Gulliver's Travels." Hmmmm...I'm going to be impolite and make an educated guess as to which of these downloads will be deleted, unseen, by the recipient.

The way these three sacks of mucus jump up and down in celebration of their "victory" (over what? Over whom?)...well, it's all so depressingly familiar, isn't it? But who could blame them for being excited- I mean, not only did they get to download stuff really fast, but they also got to see this Epic explosion- I mean, that's a full day, and then some.

Hey guys- Verizon lets you download really, really fast. Get it? Just in case you don't, expect to have this message repeated again and again in a series of commercials featuring people finding out how much crap they can add to their phones before....the car slams into the guard rail? The space shuttle on that video explodes? The possibilities are endless.

Just be sure to have your finger on the Mute button, unless you really want to spend your summer hearing people shriek "woo-hoo!" while jumping up and down and staring at their phones.


  1. I just get tired of seeing ourselves portrayed as easy-going hipsters with two-day beards, jeans from Ab-Finch, bleached T's (always un-tucked) underneath denim jackets, complete with a lot of high-fiving over having "blowed up something good" (see John Candy). I further object to the concept that fast data transfers over a portable telephone can never be fast enough. Big Brother is the corporate manifesto which depends on the world remaining throughly dumbed down for life.

  2. Get it quick, forget it quick. As if anything these knobs are interested in downloading is really so important- and as if their lives are just so filled with activities that it's super-important to get the download FAST so (as it goes in another commercial) "you can get on with your life." I see way too many people casually splayed on park benches, stoops, etc. staring at phones to believe that they need ANYTHING fast that doesn't come in a bucket dripping with grease. A decade ago, I would have seen these same people listening to music. Five decades ago, they would probably just be staring out into space, wondering why nobody could invent something to distract them from their lack of thoughts.

  3. This whole thing was a complete rip-off of the last three minutes of every single "Mythbusters" episode. A show I love, but it has been reduced to "Let's see what kind of shit we can blow up!"

  4. Pahz, that means it will probably move to the "History" channel soon- maybe between the ice road truckers and ancient aliens shows.

  5. That is, of course, if the Americans don't come up with an equivalent to a Canadian show called Breaking Point, the point of which is to have two guys who channel the explosives technician on the Red Green show blow stuff up real nice.