Sunday, April 10, 2011

Dad's a Fat Moron, Again

This commercial opens with some fat slob apparently continuing the rant begun more than an hour earlier, after the little kid next to him struck out on a high fast ball to lose the state championship. "Find your pitch and stick with it, Consistency, Consistency, Consistency" this rabid dick keeps pounding into the kid, who seems to be taking this all in stride. Clearly, he's seen this all before.

"Consistency?" the kid interrupts, and then points out that Dad has taken three different types of pizza from the All you Can Eat counter. Pretty blonde Never In A Million Years Actually An Employee Of This Kind Of Fast Food Dump does her part with an appreciative "yes I was listening to your idiotic raving" smile and shrug. Kid ends up with the upper hand, of course, and for once we don't mind, because, seriously, buddy, the game is over and maybe the kid just wants to relax with some pizza without being beaten over the head with your pointless, cliche'd "tips."

And then we are sitting with our pizza, hearing something that sounds like a Public Announcement endorsing fatherhood- something about how important it is to be a dad, whatever. My guess is that it's about how dads are important because kids need someone to bark vague, clueless suggestions (diving: "keep your head down." Football: "keep a low center of gravity." Tightrope walking: "Don't fall") when not bringing them for cheap, greasy pizza kept warm under lights and being spat on by other drivel-blathering Dads. Sounds nice, except that judging from this guy's waistline, I would suggest that he speed up the lessons, or hire an actual coach to give his kid REAL instruction that might actually be of VALUE to him, because clearly THIS dad has spent a little too much time at All You Can Eat pizza joints. Sooner or later, you'll be hearing from your heart, buddy. Probably a protest of how sadly consistent you are in your lousy food choices.


  1. Hey, now, to be a coach, you don't have to actually run the bases...

    A couple summers ago, the disabled guy took the three kids to North Carolina's to visit the family (the family who dislikes me for merely existing- I happily stayed behind to take care of our pets). They ate a CiCi's at least twice a week. Captain D's, Old Country Buffet, and whenever one of my kids got salad or something remotely decent, they were mocked and cajoled till they picked something else out too (even a slice of pizza would shut them up).

    When one of my kids asked a grandparent why they didn't eat at home, the barked reply was: "We ain't goin' to Mack-Donnalds! It's good fer ya!"

    I could only shake my head (but it didn't shock me). Granted, we don't always eat the best, even at home, but at least, when I cook it at home, I can control the amount of fat and sodium! (and even that is a big difference!)

    Oh, and the kids' reviews for CiCi's- overpriced slop with grease on the side.

  2. Is Cici's exclusively a southern chain? We have Armand's pizza around here- looks about the same.

    I've met a lot of people who think that pizza, Olive Garden pasta, etc. is "healthy" because after all, it's not fried chicken or burgers. They are all idiots.

  3. Hey, kid, you got a problem with my advice? How about you buy your own glove and cleats, drive yourself to and from games and practice, and pay for your own meals at CiCi's?

  4. There are two things that really annoy me about the ad. The first is that in my part of Canada, we'd be watching Fat Moron Dad be a fat moron dad at Pizza Delight; the second is that it's from a network that runs pseudo-PSAs about the importance of not pissing off Boba Fett.

  5. John, I'm not sure if CiCi's is a Southern thing or an East Coast thing. We don't have any nearby (I'm in a small-mid-size town), but we see ads for it constantly.

    We just got a Denny's last year. And that's down by the interstate at the Flying J truck stop.

  6. Turns out it's an Southeastern chain, and there are four of them within twenty miles of my Maryland home. Not going to be checking them out, though- because I don't eat mass-produced bland garbage like this, and I don't eat at restaurants that appeal to people who think a good meal includes multiple slices of pizza kept warm by heat lamps and handled by other slobs before you get to it.