Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Hey, Marcel- GET A LIFE!!

The body of Marcel, 29, was found by police responding to calls from neighbors complaining about the stench coming from his apartment. According to forensic reports, the estimated time of death was roughly three months ago- however, both lab techs and former friends agree that Marcel had ceased living some time before.

People who knew Marcel best suggest that the death was a slow and painless one, beginning sometime last year, when Marcel opted to purchase a new plan from AT&T which allowed him to view four channels at once. "Marcel was always a couch potato," commented Jan Smith, 28, who identified herself as a former Facebook friend. "But he was not completely averse to going outside from time to time, until he got this damned 'service.' After that, if you wanted to find Marcel, you knew where to look- right there on the couch."

"I think we started to lose Marcel last year" agreed Bob Cobbs, a former college roommate of the deceased. "He used to hang out with us in the park, or the local bar. Then he started to show up less and less. Something about not being able to tear himself away from his television.

"A few of us talked about maybe staging an intervention- I texted a few people about it, and mentioned it on my Facebook page, but didn't get much response. I guess we could have done more. You always think you're going to have time, you know?"

A neighbor who asked not to be identified admitted to ignoring the classic warning signs- Chinese take-out menus piling up on Marcel's porch, the glow of the TV visible all night, every night- but defended his inaction by telling this reporter "hey, you know, I've got a life of my own- you try to help people, but in the end, they gotta WANT to get better, right?"

Marcel is survived by people with lives, and is mourned by his cable company, which considered Marcel a model customer and an inspiration to be emulated by "everyone who expects nothing but the best from their television viewing experience," according to an AT&T spokesperson.


  1. The only part of this post that isn't depressing is that it hasn't happened yet; I fully expect to read a genuine news article like this one day soon.

  2. Fahrenheit 451, we are approaching...

  3. I remember Marcel. He was always quiet, except during the playoffs. He wasn't much of a NASCAR fan, but then, how would we know? I thought there was something wrong, but again, how would we know?

    That gentle glow from his TV always seemed to be a reassurance that he was home. I'd like to think if he heard me screaming for help when that guy kicked in the front door after my husband went to work, that he would rush to my aid. But we have Brinks, so it was never really an issue.

    I'd miss Marcel more, I think, if I knew him when he was alive.

  4. Ha, ha.

    Okay, I actually laughed out loud!