Sunday, September 25, 2011

I've got your "Man Card" right here, Miller

Actually, Strike One was your decision to hang around with these pathetic, judgmental beer whores. I mean, you seem to be able to find attractive girls on your own; why do you want to be with these dicks in the first place?

Strike Two was that weird squeaky noise you made when you tried to get one of your male "friends" to hit the restroom with you. No, it's not that going to the restroom in groups is a "girl thing," though I do have to question why any guy would express nervousness at going to a public facility by themselves. I assume that the joke is that girls go to the restroom to talk privately about the guys they are with and men, being men, simply don't do stuff like this. Fine. Regardless, that ain't Strike Two. Strike two is that high-pitched sound, which had no business coming out of anyone, male or female.

If you swing and miss at Strike Three, it won't be because you ordered the "wrong" Light Beer. Because (and we all know that this is the inevitable punchline the good people at Miller Lite missed,) guys who order Light Beer are the LAST MEN ON EARTH who have the right to question the masculinity of ANYONE. Hey, guys? What the hell do any of you know about Man Cards and the Proper Behavior of Males? I don't care if you HAVE managed to find hot girlfriends (lots of girls like to hang out with gay guys...not making accusations, just sayin'....) If you are drinking Light Beer, and worse, if you are sneering at another guy's choice of Light Beer, you really need to keep your cake holes shut when it comes to defining what it means to be a male.

And while I've got your attention, guys? Here are other activities that disqualify you from judging masculinity: Spending more than an hour a week fiddling with your fantasy football, basketball, hockey or baseball team. Spending more than ten minutes a day staring at your cellphone and running your finger along it's screen. Using that cell phone to find things whose locations are already well known to you. Driving a car which starts with the push of a button instead of the turn of a key. Gaming.

Here are some activities which actually confirm your status as a Man, in case you are interested: Changing your kid's diaper without dropping him to take a phone call. Doing your part to provide a home and security for your family. Treating your loved ones and the other people around you as if they are valuable and not annoying, smelly little appendages who mysteriously showed up in your house one day. Having respect for your friends and not questioning their sexuality because of what crappy, watered-down "beer" they choose to drink. Not driving a mud-splattered SUV, not going unshaven or with your shirt hanging out, not pumping a bottle of Round Up on every weed in your driveway on the weekends, and not drinking Miller Lite. Sorry it's not so easy.

Glad I could help.

1 comment:

  1. It's sort of appalling to realize that the same people that infest these ads wind up as parents in commericals that promote salty foods for children.