Sunday, September 4, 2011

Let's not and say we did. Please.

"Lets make 3D the next big thing..." Jeeesh, why don't you just come out and say it, Sprint? What you REALLY mean is "let's make 3D the latest excuse to throw away that perfectly good, State Of The Art Until Just Now phone you thought was really cool but which now looks like a piece of ancient crap."

Shorter Version: "When we say Jump, you reply 'how high,' idiot consumer monkey!"

In fact, the concept of 3D phones- and an ad campaign geared toward convincing me that I need such a thing- is so darned obnoxious that I actually have no real problem that it's being sold by the usual Get A Load Of Moron Dad theme. Indeed, I have to agree with the kids with the eyerolls and their Oh My God Dad You Are So F--ing Lame attitude -- they actually seem to GET that Dad's new toy is really, really stupid, and (Glory be to God!) seem to be more interested in just playing Ping Pong than participating in his desperate attempt to justify this stupid impulse purchase.

And I love the "you can share 3D videos with all your 3D friends" line used in a similar ad. I mean, that's just classic. First, it's true that all my friends come in 3D- though nowadays, a lot of people have "friends" who are NOT Three-Dimensional, as they exist as "friends" only in the Social Network. But the best part is the subtle little reminder that you can only share your amazing 3D videos of people doing amazing 3D things like playing Ping Pong with fellow losers who went out and bought 3D phones.

There are already several commercials featuring this doofus dad trying to explain to his kids why his 3D phone is SuperAmazingAwesome and the greatest invention since- well, this guy's last cell phone. Which probably featured Surround Sound. That was the most awesome phone since the one before that, which allowed him to project stupid commercials on to walls, allowing everyone in the area to share his interests, whether they wanted to or not. And that was the best phone since the one before that, which allowed him to download that video of the surfing squirrel five seconds before people who still had that phone he owned previously, the slow-adapting losers.

"Let's make 3D the thing which makes your last phone obsolete." I have a better idea. Let's stop playing this game, at least until someone comes up with an innovation which REALLY makes ditching our old phone for a new one worthwhile. Of course, for people like me, who use phones to talk and text, period (I'm such a philistine!) that's going to be quite an innovation. I suggest adding a taser which allows me to zap the hell out of people who update their cell phones every fifteen minutes just because Sprint tells them to.


  1. What really hurts is that they don't even think to recycle the blasted things; I know I've said this before but every so often, I find something that used to be The Latest Bestest Thing lying on the side of the road after it was tossed out of a vehicle.

  2. In the cinema, 3D came and went by 1958. See John Candy lunging toward the camera, in his parody manner, as a pop reference.
    I think the next thing to put your money in will be the Smell-o-Vision phone.

  3. With an extra-powerful sprayer, so that everyone in the car/bus/train can "enjoy the experience" right along with you.

  4. Right.
    Or how about this:
    Next flash mob -- at 3:12pm tomorrow, everyone will spontaneously power down their phones and take out a book or newspaper. Epic.

  5. Flash Mob- do something with social significance and of some value to someone other than yourself.

    I can just see a horde of people standing around clueless, all at the same time, wishing the Flash Mob would end already.

  6. Radio talk show host Neil Bortz recently picked up a neat little gadget in Hong Kong; a cell phone signal jammer. If he is in a resaurant or where ever, and some one annoying is droning on into one of the things, he pulls it out and their call is over. I don't know how legal it is , though.
    Oh but it would be fun!