Saturday, September 17, 2011

No chance your dog will do any damage to the "Crazy Critter," at least

As an ASPCA member who does not currently own a pet (I do feed a stray cat, but after two years of letting me feed her she still won't let me pet her or step inside my house) this ad just infuriates me, because it appeals to people who like owning cats and dogs but are looking for cheap shortcuts to taking care of their animals properly.

This Amazing Miracle Spray Crap is supposed to take the place of professional tooth and gum cleanings, which "are expensive" and oh by the way "are hard on your pet." Sure they are. In two weeks I have to get my own teeth cleaned. It's going to be expensive, and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to do it anyway, because I care enough about my health to go through it. No one could convince me that spraying stuff in my mouth could take the place of a good cleaning, or prevent gum disease. Why would I provide less for a dog or cat? If I did own a pet that I claimed to love, why would I be looking to save a few bucks by cutting corners with it's life? Jesus, the ad SAYS that plaque buildup and gum disease in animals can lead to or be signs of "Liver, Kidney or Heart disease." Anyone out there REALLY want to trade the services of a licensed veterinarian for a ten-dollar bottle of bleach?

If there is- how fucking dare you own a pet, you cheap bastard pigs.

"Your pets are relying on you to take good care of you" says "Dr. Perez" in the most hilariously wooden performance since John Agar retired from the film industry. Yes, indeed they are- so why would you betray that trust to save a few bucks? "Taking care of their oral health is one of the most important things you can do for your pet." Again- I totally agree. What does this have to do with spraying your pet with a chemical which changes the color of plaque buildup and disguises the damage, making you as a disgustingly selfish, heartless, cheap piece of shit pet owner APPEAR to care for your pet (check out the awesome breath!) instead of providing it the professional care it needs?

And here's Clueless Penny-Pinching It's All About Appearances Owner, telling us how "its easy to do- Right, Bailey?" (Bailey, being a dog, has no response, but his eyes seem to cry out "Oh God please rescue me from this insane drip!") "You just spray it in their mouth and you're done!"

Yes, you're done. And your pet is Finished. But hey, that's all right- when your pet dies prematurely of those awful diseases you covered up by spraying whitener into it's mouth, maybe you can walk the Crazy Critter toy (separate shipping and handling!) the bottle came with.

Better yet, just buy a fricking stuffed animal to pretend to love. Because if you fall for this pitch, you have no business having a real, living animal in your home anyway, you disgusting, soulless creeps.

Sorry if this seemed a little harsher than usual. I just really can't stand people who want to own animals, but don't want to be bothered to care for them. If there is a Hell, they occupy the hottest ring. So do the people who appeal to them with dangerous, stupid crap like this product.

1 comment:

  1. As I said before, this sort of product appeals to a nasty little demographic: "People who think that they love animals." They would indeed be better off restricted by law to owning The Crazy Critter; I know their companion animals would be if they were owned by responsible people while these idiots were restricted to stuffed toys.