Sunday, September 11, 2011

Now THAT'S Sarcasm!

Wait...the woman "presenting" Pillsbury Crescent Dogs (we of the great unwashed refer to them as "Pigs in a Blanket," and remember thinking that they were fun to eat- when we were around nine years old) at what appears to be an otherwise rather high-class function doesn't REALLY think the "impressive" comment by one of her guests was sincere, does she??

And does anyone else think that the last step to preparing and presenting "Pillsbury Crescent Dogs" at a party in which everyone is dressed to the nines* should really be to slap oneself on the forehead and mutter "oh jesus, what was I thinking?" before dumping the tray of junk into the nearest garbage disposal?

Come to think of it, it's hard for me to imagine an occasion where serving Pillsbury Crescent Dogs is at all appropriate. Let's see- when the only other option is that half-bag of frozen pizza rolls? When the neighbors you absolutely can't stand just rudely stopped in for an unannounced visit to discuss their plans to build a 7-11 franchise where their garage currently sits? When your husband- who PROMISED to make dinner because you had to work a double shift and it was his day off- reneged, and when you came home you found him sitting at the kitchen table, napkin tucked under his chin, with a fork in his hand?

Maybe. But a swanky holiday party? Please. Hey obtuse lady- when your guest said "Impressive," she was making fun of you. And when, for the next several weeks, you hear your friends muttering about those Pillsbury Crescent Dogs you served at your party, they aren't marveling at your inventiveness.** Get a clue. And a recipe book. And a Class Transplant.

*Upon further review, I see a guy in the background wearing an untucked, short-sleeved shirt. But let's be fair- these days, that's "dressed to the nines" for a twentysomething American male.

**And when they were raving at your Oreos and Whipped Cream Hors d'ouevres? Same thing.


  1. When my kids were young, I recalled this "recipe" from my childhood. Except that my mother actually had homemade biscuit dough to roll the hot dogs in- but that's a story for another time.

    How convenient, my mother-in-law would tell me, you just gotta roll the hot dogs in this triangle of crap and it'll be a delicious meal.

    So I did it. I was nostalgic and really, who wouldn't be a bit for some other time when mothers actually made bread in an oven after kneading the dough and rolling it out on a flour-dusted counter top?

    What we got instead was blisteringly-hot hot dogs, Crescent rolls burnt on the bottom and nearly raw on top. So I wasted what little bit of money I spent on that crap by not being able to eat it. (and I do mean "little bit", even as broke as we were, it wasn't much of a loss).

    My kids are all grown now and they still have fond memories of "Crescent dogs". I don't know why... innocence has filtered their memories, maybe? Either way, they're all salad-loving veggie-eaters nowadays. The youngest has a small fridge in her college dorm room and her side of it is filled with fruit and water and a couple of candy bars.

    The roommate? Well, let's just say my daughter shouldn't have to worry about that "freshman 15" (do they still call it that? I'm old and out of the loop).

  2. I lived with my father when I was in college and was a regular at the Y, and I went right from graduate school into marriage, so I didn't experience my "Freshman 15" until I was 30 and really on my own for the first time. Then it was bulk candy and cookies, spaghetti four or five times a week-- you get the idea.

    It took me a while (and a broken heart) to suddenly become a health nut (which is why I rag on commercials for restaurants and junk food so much) last year- since then I'm down 28 lbs, only ten pounds short of my weight when I got married at 27, and I was probably too thin then....

    I just can't stand commercials which encourage people to eat cheap, salty, fatty junk like this- and worse, to teach their kids that food like this is "fun." Because you can see the problems coming down the road in the wide waistlines of every other person you meet.

  3. Speaking of weight down- my rheumatologist told me she wanted me to lose "at least 15 pounds" by the end of my faire season. I saw her July 7th, faire started July 9th.

    Faire ended last Monday and I'm down 32 pounds. I needed about a week to recover from the three days of almost-constant standing (I'm the unofficial joust photographer- long story), but tomorrow will be the start of my non-faire walking. I have another month before I see her again. I think I can get another six to ten pounds off by then.

  4. It would be interesting to know what channels and at what times some of these commercials are being played. I just cannot figure out who they would market this commercial towards.

    The whole thing is completely ridiculous from start to finish.

    1) "Recipe everyone will love": Hot dogs? Are you kidding me? Hot dogs are one of the most ridiculed and divisive foods in the world. I can think of several friends and family that hate them, including myself. The nitrates give me a weird headache.

    2) "Impressive": Anything served at Bill Swerkski's superbowl part is not impressive.

    3) "Very easy": No shit! Who could possibly think that making these things was a difficult process? You only need to look at it for 2 seconds to figure out how it is put together. What does her friend think it was alchemy or something?

  5. Remember the old commercial where the guy bring Quarter Pounders with cheese as finger food and is the life of the party? I think I remember people stacking them on skewers in that ad.

    The only thing missing here is the girl asking the host for the recipe. Judging from the host's awareness level, she'd probably hand her the can out of the garbage.

  6. Congrats, Pahz! I think I will finally have time to attend the Faire here in Maryland next weekend.

    My doctor told me to lose weight, but his only advice was "don't eat so much, don't eat garbage." Very helpful. But I took off 20 lbs in six months and 28 in eleven, and without the help of pills, fake liquid "food," "nutrition bars" or expensive "plans." He says I look great, and it's so true :>)!! Walking at least thirty miles a week doesn't hurt either....

  7. OH, I get it now. It all makes sense....

    Dummy marries a guy with money and a good job, she then gets that upper middle class houswife depression, stars in a commercial for Abilify. The drugs help her depression but also strip her of any brain cells she had left. The week before the party her husband calls all their friends and tell them they need to compliment her on everything she does and speak very slow and soft. Otherwise she wont stop crying until he brings home a Lexus with a bow on it or a 2 carat diamond pendant.

  8. Why do I feel as if some James Lileks of the future will enshrine this ad in a 2050 version of the Gallery of Regrettable Foods? This sort of nonsense easily parallels the '7-Up Cookbook' in its defining luxury downward.

  9. "Impressive"? Good Lord. Impressive to whom? A three-year-old?

    For crying out loud, she could've gotten an easier, more impressive canape for her guests by going to her local mega-bulk-distribution warehouse (or, really, even her local supermarket, at holiday time, anyway) and bought boxes of premade stuff like mini-quiches in phyllo-dough cups, potstickers, spanakopitas, or some other crap you just put in the oven to heat up and brown a little and when you take it out, it looks like a fancy catered hors d'oeuvre rather than something that screams "I made it myself with simple white-trash ingredients and this is what I consider 'sophisticated.'" Ouch.