Friday, January 13, 2012

Fortunately, the Emergency Room is always open, too

Just in case you thought that Cici's, KFC, and The Golden Corral had the market cornered on destroying our health: the "four" in this ad is for Denny's "famous" Fried Cheese Melt which, believe it or not, consists of deep-fried mozzarella sticks swimming in melted cheese and served between slices of butter-infused toasted bread.

No kidding. Almost 900 calories of greasy, artery-clogging, valve-damaging dairy product served up at a price which just screams "come in often, and don't forget to get the hot cakes and bacon on the side!"

So, who would actually eat any of this junk? Well, I think the answer is pretty obvious. This is Food for the Drunk and Starving. Your favorite watering hole is closed for the night, there's nobody waiting at home in your dark, chilly apartment, and the last time you checked, the only thing in your refrigerator was bottle of flat coke and half a jar of mustard. Sure, you could hit 7-11 for a heat lamp dog and a bag of chips, but that's more of a study break thing. It's Saturday night after all- or maybe it's Sunday morning. No matter. There's Denny's, with the big orange sign all warm and glowing and inviting, where nobody's going to criticize your food choices and the coffee is going to just keep coming, and you can eat at a booth instead of your car like they make you do at 7-11.

The combination of alcohol, hunger, and the desire to stave off loneliness for another hour or so finds you ordering fried cheese sandwiches, flapjacks layered with cheesecake, and buttery hash browns- and actually enjoying it. Or at least that's what you tell yourself- when you aren't trying to convince your conscience that you are going to be rising at dawn the next day (or later that same day, who knows?) and walk 25 miles to make up for the massive calorie overload you are subjecting your body to. (This is all hypothetical, I'm not speaking from experience or anything.)

I'd also like to add that anyone who fits the description of the person described above is NOT a loser- probably more like a sweet, smart, good-looking but terribly under-appreciated guy who has been experiencing a run of bad luck, which could happen to anybody. The people who eat this stuff when entirely in their right minds, like in the middle of the morning or after church- TOTAL losers. Man, I pity THOSE idiots.


  1. Plugger tasted, Plugger approved.

  2. The official foodstuff of those who've learned to settle for less in life.

  3. (blushing) what else could I ask for?

  4. Point taken. It's almost as if they realize that they need to hasten their deaths......almost.....