Thursday, January 12, 2012

She'll be sneaking back in for a $5 walnut brownie as soon as she can ditch her friend at the office

Ok, look- one of the reasons I avoid pretentious coffee shops is because whenever I find myself in one, I'm behind idiots like these. They want incredibly complicated coffee drinks involving shots of this and dollops of that, and don't even try to explain to me how they ever developed a taste for any of it (I can only imagine that back in the dark ages--the 1980s-- when most people were still brewing coffee at home instead of visiting one of the 900 Starbucks within walking distance, these weirdos were experimenting with whipped cream and espresso shots and spices at 5 AM every morning.)

The woman who picks out the Yoplait is worse than any of the people I've bumped into in real life, however, because she adds an unjustified level of smugness to her asshattery. "You know what, I'll just have one of these" she titters, leaving her friend to consume her 400 calories- 400 hot, delicious calories- over the next very satisfying ten minutes or so. Which is about nine minutes longer than her disgustingly bony, idiot companion will be "enjoying" her crummy little cup of yogurt.

Hey, stupid skinny woman- here's why Yoplait has hardly any calories: it has hardly any mass. It has virtually no taste. It certainly won't give you anything resembling a feeling of fullness. (Full disclosure: I actually eat a lot of yogurt, but it's always topped with whole grain cereal. I like the calcium, but don't care for milk. See how fascinating I am?) Oh, and it's nothing resembling a decent substitute for a high-calorie drink, I don't care WHAT this Even Dumber Than Usual ad is trying to tell me.

Oh, and here's another little tip, Miss Pretension, just in case you aren't picking out that yogurt just to show up your friend: If you are going to eat yogurt, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to choose a coffee shop as the place to buy it. Ever check out the price of a bottle of water or a bagel at a Starbucks?


  1. I had some dental work done last week. If I were younger, if I didn't have a stupid disease that gets exacerbated by physical or mental stress, if I hadn't handled the abscess part on my own, inadvertently... maybe I wouldn't have hurt so much afterward and for so long.

    That's my lame lead-in to explain why I've been on a soup, yogurt, pudding, and Jello diet for the last ten days. I just started eating real food about 37 hours ago.

    There is nothing filling about soup. Or yogurt. Or pudding. And now I hate Jello.

    Also, every time I see this ad, I want to punch her in the face. As annoying as the friend is, at least she's environmentally appropriate for ordering her candy-filled coffee experience, whereas our heroine is paying seven bucks for an eighty-nine cent dollop of yogurt.

  2. I've grown to hate them myself for much the same reasons......