Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Unfortunately, the Acting and Story are still very much One-Dimensional

I just saw a trailer for another 3D film due out soon- "Wrath of the Titans." One of the characters says "this is the end of the world."

Well, I'm pretty sure that if the end of the world really was coming, the re-issue of "The Phantom Menace," George Lucas's middle finger to the millions of fans of the original Star Wars series, would be one of the indicators of impending doom.

Yes, soon we will be able to experience all of the horrendous non-acting, all of the chase scenes, and the demystifying of the light saber (watch it get used to melt a door! Yay!) in fabulous 3D!

Thought you loved the stunningly wooden performances of Natalie Portman, Liam Neeson, and Ewan McGregor the first time you sat through this mess? Just wait until they are muttering their hysterically bland lines right in front of you. Remember that kid who played "Annie" who mentioned Pod Racing roughly twenty times in his first ten minutes of screen time (George Lucas, master of the art of foreshadowing)? Remember how you wished you could just reach out and punch him in the nose? Well, now you can!

And oh, that Pod Race. Remember how you compared it to your last visit to the dentist- and found yourself reminiscing fondly about having your teeth scraped? Well, just wait until you see the flagrant Ben-Hur ripoff coming right at you! Won't that be awesome!?

And don't forget the kingdom of the giant drooling frogs, or the seemingly endless scenes featuring morose, apparently valium-impaired Jedi Knights, including Samuel L Jackson looking as if he'd rather be anywhere else (we can so relate!) sitting in circles wondering what to do next!

And don't tell me that you aren't champing at the bit to see the amazing climax, when Annie accidentally pushes a series of buttons, makes a few more awesome quips, and manages to blow up The Ship That Controls Everything ( a scene which takes place in at least four of the six films; Gilligan's Island was less predictable) without even really trying!

And just think- there can hardly be any doubt that next summer we will be treated to a 3D version of "The Clone Wars." And that in 2014 we are going to get another helping of "Revenge of the Sith." I mean, if you thought Hayden Christensen was the worst actor of all time, wait till you see him in 3D!

If you haven't been convinced yet to pray that the Mayans are right, and that maybe the world will come to a crashing end before this rewarmed garbage is served up at a theater near you, I have three more words for your consideration: Jar Jar Binks.

In 3D.

I apologize in advance for any nightmares this post may have caused.


  1. I had blocked from my memory that Liam Neeson and Samuel L. Jackson had been in this thing.

  2. Ah, my......it's sort of horrible to have to remember that there are going to be people who actually want to see Lucas show us how crazy and stupid he is. Well, that and the fact that the MPAA don't see that it's crap like this that eats away at ticket sales and not Pirate Bay.

  3. It's almost heartbreaking to realize that for people born after 1980, "The Star Wars Saga" is basically Episodes I, II and III-- rank, plot-less crap. As someone who remembers fondly the REAL saga, which actually featured concepts like "Character Development" and the building of tension- concepts which are clearly no longer in Lucas's repertoire, it's really rather depressing.

    1. Well, if you had parents who liked the original Star Wars and you watched it with them, then you learned what Star Wars was supposed to be before Episodes I, II, and III rolled around. I was born in '79 and had a kiddie crush on Darth Vader and Yoda in preschool and I loved the Ewoks when Episode VI came out. I'm not a huge Star Wars fan, so I haven't suffered the rage and disappointment so many others have, but I'm pissed at Lucas on behalf of all those who have suffered. The original three movies were great. STICK WITH WHAT WORKS AND DON'T TRY TO FIX SOMETHING THAT'S IN EXCELLENT CONDITION!

  4. Plotless!?! Darth Sidious orchesrtates a war in which he leads both factions, working the Ruusan Reformations against the Jedi by throwing them in to lead an army that would be their downfall, and ushering in the compilation of teh sole goal of the modern Sith order created by Darth Bane. Anikan Skywalker, plagued by dreams of his loved ones' deaths which are slowly coming true, goes on a quest for the power needed to save them, which ultamately turns a bright little nine-year-old into the terrible Darth Vader. (That, by the way is called "Character Developement". As opposed to Rebel Princesses who remain princesses through the whole story, or obnoxious smugglers who never change, hairy things there to be the requisite alien who never did anything, etc.)

    I think it's kind of sad that you can't appreciate a good thing just because some white-haired old general doesn't come on and use a monochrome screen to spell out the last scene before you see it. I also think it's sad that you think Hayden Christensen is a worse actor than, say, Mark Hamil (seriosely, if he came home after running around with some guy the man who raised him had forbidden him to see to find that his life had been destroyed because he failed to adequetly perform his ONLY present task, "LOOK AFTER THE DROIDS", SPOCK would have shown more emotion!).