Saturday, May 26, 2012
Hey Dodge: Your Hypocrisy is Showing!
Dodge has produced and televised approximately 1200 commercials for its "Caravan" minivan model in the past three years.
1199 of those commercials have been disgustingly sugar-laden homages to breeding- the joys of having lots and lots of kids so you can justify spending forty grand or so on a freaking bus, complete with fold-out table, DVD and a sound system better than the one you've got in your actual house. 1199 commercials featuring grinning young idiots who seem thrilled to death that they've managed to produce smaller versions of themselves and are now in the process of sacrificing every waking moment to the needs of the noisy little terrors- needs which include vehicles which can seat all of them and, in the future, several of their equally messy and attention-sucking little friends. 1199 commercials devoted to convincing the viewing public that being a Normal American means popping out spawn and strapping them into a Suburban Blandmobile and taking them...well, wherever these people are always taking them.
1199 commercials telling us that the pinnacle of life is reached when you Settle- when one of you puts on a chunk of rock and changes her name, and the other sticks his pretty little trophy into a house with a fence and a yard and one of these things taking up most of the driveway.
1199 commercials practically begging us to be Real Americans and get married, have kids, live in the suburbs and drive around in something that takes up two spaces and always seems to be featuring Finding Nemo on the screen in the back.
And one commercial which suggests, obliquely, that nawwwww you are actually better off not having kids, because they are noisy attention-vampires and all the other things I just bitterly ranted about for three paragraphs. Hey Dodge, who do you think you're kidding? Without people willing to produce children, you're out of business. And did you really think we were going to forget about those other 1199 commercials?