Saturday, May 5, 2012
"Loco" referring to the condition you'd have to be in to enjoy this crap
I'll admit that I really wanted to snark on the new Taco Bell Locos Doritos Greasy Meat and Cheese Not-Sandwich commercial in which half a dozen disgusting losers tweet their homages to this disgusting non-food, but I couldn't find it. I'm sure it will show up on YouTube eventually, be proclaimed as Epic by the drooling children who post there, and then it will be good times all around. But until then, I'll just have to be satisfied to point out a few really stupid moments in this minimalist attempt to get us excited about Taco Bell's latest effort to convince us that there's something attractive about fatty, oily hamburger meat mixed with onions and spices and served on a large snack chip.
Fat doofus sits on a park bench and pulls a tiny bag of Doritos out of a slightly larger plastic grocery bag which contains nothing else. This means that when jerkwad put down his dollar to buy eight cents worth of preservatives, salt and artificial flavoring, he insisted on having it bagged- so he could have two future landfill contributions to chuck after he finished eating his 11 Doritos, I guess. So he's not satisfied with polluting his body with this junk; he has to punish the environment too. The next time I see a plastic bag wrapped around a tree limb or wafting through the evening air, I'll think of this stupid, thoughtless dick.
When he opens the Doritos bag, it stuns him with a weird glowing light and the sound of angelic music, like the freaking Holy Grail (or at least a Wonka Golden Ticket) is to be found inside. And THEN it gets REALLY stupid, because a hand comes out of the bag holding about three ounces of ground cow held together by grease and a cheese-infused crunchy thing that really only tastes good if you are drunk or high. (I've heard this from people; no first-hand experience, mind you...)
Anyway, the result of all this Dumb is that Overweight Slob has found a new way to subtract years from his life in the form of a Taco Bell Loco Dorito Insert Any Additional Faux-Spanish You Like Here Dollar Menu Crud Special. The look of contentment on his face at the ad's conclusion would be priceless, if it wasn't so depressing.
Not as depressing as the Pretty Young People tweeting how gosh darned epic Taco Bell's latest Obesity Promoter is. But I'll be getting to that one eventually, promise.