Sunday, May 24, 2015

Be the Batman, and a legend in your own mind

Ugh, just when I thought that these commercials could not become more pathetic....

This stupid, disjointed, confusing drivel was, I believe, intentionally created for the sole purpose of making my head hurt.  Or maybe you just have to be a "gamer" to understand how these Unconnected-to-the-Sane scenes are supposed to come together to form a commercial that makes some level of "sense."  Since I'm NOT a gamer, here's what I get out of it-

Guys are naturally nervous and concerned when suddenly surrounded by a gang of toughs in a dark alley, especially when it's raining really hard and they've just spent god knows how long staring at an Old Timey picture of allegedly dead parents in an equally Old Timey locket.

Guys are also nervous and reluctant to react when a group of equally scary and equally Properly Diverse toughs decide to pick on an old man on a train for absolutely no reason.

On the other hand, when buildings explode into flames, firemen may hesitate, but then they'll go in, because that's what firemen do, and this

Inspires the guy being threatened in the dark alley to curl his fist, which

Inspires the guy on the train to move toward his own gang of toughs, causing them to consider backing off

Which leads Batman to stand on a roof and sneer, because apparently he's a lot better at doing that than actually stopping all these bad things that are happening below him, but he's not really needed because we are now being told that we can

Be the Batman.  Uh huh.  WTF-ever.  Actually, the only thing anyone watching this ad is supposed to be inspired to do is

Get into your not-Batmobile No Matter How Much You Like To Pretend It Is car and

Get to your nearest Secret Tactical Weapons Storehouse, which us sane people refer to as Walmart, and buy the latest version of what seems to be two or three hundred video games involving Batman and a hospital for the insane featured for about five minutes in Batman Begins, and

Get back to what your Batcave, which we non-man/boys call dens or basements, and spend the next eleven hours engaging in all your violent fantasies which involve fighting back against all the fellow sapien life forms inflicting imagined slights upon your weird, paranoid sad little self on a daily basis, and

Actually, "and" nothing.  Just stay there.  The fewer doughy juveniles with persecution complexes there are out here in the Real World, the better.  Just stay there.  Be the Batman.   Your avatar is much, much more fun and interesting than you'll ever even attempt to be.  Leave life for us idiots who don't have 60-inch screens and an insatiable desire to remain children forever.  It's just not for you.


  1. You forgot the basketball players. What about the basketball players? They are so totally irrelevant and out of place in this thing that you have to mention them. What the hell do the basketball players have to do with any of this?

  2. to be honest, I was so confused and flummoxed by the basketball players I had no idea how to wedge them into my commentary. As you say, they have nothing to do with any of this. As near as I can tell, this is the message of the commercial-

    A. Some men are cowards
    B. Some men are brave; brave men risk their lives to save people in burning buildings, or play basketball in front of large crowds. Same thing.
    C. For the cowards, here's a video game they can play to pretend they are as brave as firefighters or-- umm, basketball players.

  3. Well, it was a nice try at attempting to explain the basketball players. Probably as close as anyone's going to come. But really...they just make no sense. At all.

    1. Makes as much sense as showing basketball players responding to criticism by putting on noise-cancelling headphones which are blaring "I'm a man."