Friday, May 1, 2015

Little Caesar's? "Legal" is not the same as "Right" or "Responsible..."

Yes, the bacon-wrapped pizza is legal.  But so is deep-fried butter, fried dough slavered with butter and sugar, and bacon and mayonaisse sandwiches held together with fried chicken instead of bread.

In other words, it's legal because this is the United States, Land of the Stupid-Fat, where Type 2 Diabeties has replaced baseball as the National Pasttime.  And where we woke up one day and decided that the average lifespan was getting just too damned high.

So don't worry, Mr. Stereotypical Southern Lawyer Who Aced the Boss Hogg audition and then was told that there would be no Dukes of Hazzard II after all.  Not only is no one going to be suing Little Caesar's, the only thing that- ahem- "restaurant" has to worry about is running out of the porcine fat needed to wrap around it's greasy white carb-and-cheese-topped-with-sugary tomato sludge pizzas. Build a tastier death trap, and the world will beat a path to your door.


  1. I wonder how a "small town pizza lawyer" has the authority to set policy for everyone. He's not a judge. He's not a legislator or a governor. Him saying bacon-wrapped pizza is "perfectly legal" is the same as a defense lawyer saying "my client is innocent." It has the authority of a declarative statement, and that's all.

  2. It's perfectly legal, but that doesn't mean it isn't immoral or fattening.

    I admit, the phrase "small-town pizza lawyer" amuses me. Because it's so absurd and it's not like they're trying to be serious with you here. You know they're being ridiculous and they know you know they're being ridiculous.

    That said, though, this pizza is still an offense against God. Or the American Heart Association. Or somebody.