Saturday, May 21, 2016

Just Another Day With Stupid Men and Stupid Women in Suburbia....

Can someone please explain to me how the alleged "adults" in this ad managed to land jobs which allow them to participate in this lifestyle, with huge houses and swimming pools in the middle of the suburbs, despite the fact that they obviously don't have two brain cells to rub against eachother in the entire freaking group?

The female grown-ups (that's actually more accurate than "adults," isn't it?) in this ad are busy checking out their family health care coverage in expectation that their husbands are about to do something almost unbelievably stupid and get themselves seriously- and expensively- hurt.  There are two assumptions at play here- first, that whatever the jagoff "men" (that is CERTAINLY not an accurate description) are attempting to do, at least it's not expected to be fatal.  Second, that there is absolutely nothing the women here can do to prevent the men from attempting it.*

(Of course, there's a third option- that the women here simply don't give a damn if the guys they chose to legally bind themselves to get hurt, as long as they're covered, or that they already know they've got great life insurance so if they do kill themselves, no problem.)

The males in this ad- 12 year olds in fortysomething bodies, each one- are so bored out of their minds with their suburban lives and suburban families and suburban friends, they've decided to do something that would never have occurred to them a few years earlier, when they actually enjoyed being alive and looked to the future with hope.  Their current situation is so sad that they are more than willing to risk massive trauma, possible paralysis, or even death because hey any of those things would be better than this.

So in the sequel to this awfulness, I suppose we'll be treated to hi-LARIOUS scenes with these men sucking meals out of straws while confined to high-tech wheelchairs as their wives wipe drool off their chins while rolling their eyes with "that's my husband" written all over their faces (rather than spoken out loud, as in this ad.)  Someone will find this funny.  Which means we can expect to see more of these Bored Rich Guys Doing Things Only Bored Rich Guys Do commercials.  I strongly suspect we won't see a Women Doing Dumb, Dangerous Things counterpart, because that's not what happens in ads these days (in the 1950s and 60s and 70s, yes.  Nowadays, no.)

*"Which Urgent Care do you want to use this time?" is the giveaway.  This is just a typical weekend for these women.  Because they married children who could provide them with luxury.  I don't feel sorry for anyone in this ad.


  1. Oh wow...this one is just a stunner (literally).

    So, the deal is this guy didn't end up killing himself by body-slamming from a height directly into concrete because he crashed onto a table that "broke" his fall? Yeah, because a flimsy snack table is going to provide such a great cushion against the impact of hitting a slab of cement. You betcha.

    And yeah--the wives and their blase "our husbands are about to do something incredibly stupid AGAIN, better look up the nearest urgent care" attitude. No, I don't care if my husband breaks his neck or paralyzes himself for life or breaks every bone in his body, or even ends up dead. Oh, and yeah, if he survives the inevitable crash landing, we can just take him to the urgent care, because it's not as if moving him ourselves rather than calling 911 and letting professionals handle it would be extremely dangerous or anything. Heck, he can probably limp the whole mile there on foot!

    And I know the "It's fine, he did track in middle school" line is supposed to be hilarious, but all it makes me think is: Did it occur to no one that this idiot was not "vaulting" with a fiberglass pole, but with a flimsy hollow aluminum pool strainer handle, and that the utter dissimilarity of these two items might mean what he was doing was ridiculously unsafe? Then again, it might have saved him from himself by folding in half under his weight in mid-vault and plopping him into the pool before he could make it to the concrete on the other side. Too bad he didn't get that lucky.

    There's also something surprisingly absent in this ad: any sort of disclaimer along the lines of "Professional stunt idiots. Do not attempt." Because you just KNOW that somewhere, some kid is going to watch this ad, and conclude that this guy only crashed because he was an adult, and of course as an adult he was too heavy, whereas a kid could do this stunt with ease. "Hey, guys, let's get together and try it at my pool while my parents are away!" "Yeah, kewl, dude!" I only hope United Healthcare and their ad agency have lawyered up in preparation for the inevitable lawsuit filed by the grieving parents.

    1. I didn't notice the lack of disclaimer. Frankly, I hope that a LOT of adult jackasses try this stunt for the benefit of Youtube. I am every bit that mean enough. But kids? Kids do plenty of stupid, dangerous things without encouragement. I really hope they skip attempting this stunt.