Sunday, July 10, 2016

I guess this is what you do when you've exhausted the "leafs" you can find under your name on take the next step in digital navel-gazing by sending a vial of spit to this company so they can let you know where your dead relatives lived once.  And then sit back and genuflect on how totally awesome it is that you've received confirmation that once upon a time people you share genetic code with wandered around on the other side of the planet, never realizing that some day one of their ancestors would be a bored, self-indulgent idiot willing to spend money to confirm that they did not spring from the head of Zeus but are actually related to people who are now dead.

Now be sure to post all of this fascinating "information" on Facebook, because gosh all your virtual friends really, really want to know.  And when you wake up in a cold sweat realizing that you just PAID to hand a DNA sample over to a private company, well, I suggest warm milk to help you get back to sleep.  If that doesn't work, try again- they are always updating those leafs, you know.


  1. They get you coming and going because there's a service out there that somehow turns human ashes into diamonds. This affords the lucky consumer cradle to grave narcissism.

  2. Also: What's the credibility factor of this company?
    Is it just another scam job? Probably is.

    1. the radio commercials are even worse--

      Jill: "Wow"
      Narrator: "Jill just found out that she's half Italian, must be why she likes to visit Italy so much" (this makes sense on some planet.
      Jill: "Woah!"
      Narrator: "Jill just found out that she has hundreds of relatives in Italy, first cousins, etc."
      Jill: "MMMMMM!"
      Narrator: "Jill just decided that she has to call her brother Steven, or 'Stefano,' as he'll be referred to from now on..."

      Makes me want to throw my radio out the window. I just wish I had come up with this scam.

    2. Once you assess your ancestry it's imperative you surrender your individuality for a more accurately demographic one.

    3. The commercial says "Jill just learned that she's 7 percent Italian- she had been told that the family was 100% Romanian."

      How the hell could anyone be 100 percent anything? Did Jill think that her family evolved into Homo Sapiens in Romania? I'm glad they went with "Romania" rather than "German," or I'd be getting a creepy vibe about her family's claim to ethnic purity.