If the comments aren't just bots, I have to accept the idea that many, many people not only find Kevin Hart funny but also find it funny that Kevin Hart and LeBron James, two multi-millionaires, enjoy hanging out with each other and celebrating the joys of online gambling especially when they can get five dollars of free money to massage that burgeoning addiction with.
So I'm just going to say that the comments are bots. I'm also going to say that Kevin Hart's career is some kind of twisted joke being played on a worldwide audience. I will sleep better this way.
The only possible happy ending* for this ad is that the guy drones on so long about insurance that he forgets to pull the ripcord and he and the stupid CGI emu are just a flat damp spot in the parking lot. Leaving the fans to continue to enjoy the game without being interrupted by a g-d damn commercial they could have stayed home to watch on their televisions and leaving absolutely nothing of value lost.
And no, I am not even going to mention the comment section this time. The people who enjoy this played-to-death schlock....well, they vote. Obviously.
(By the way, the most famous guy to ever actually parachute into a sporting event ended up being pulled into the crowd and nearly beaten to death before being rescued by police officers. Remember? It was during the Riddick Bowe-Evander Holyfield rematch back in 1993. That could happen and count as a happy ending to this ad, too.)
The couple in this ad used to have a cool tradition- they'd get together and have a game night, playing simple board games while probably having nice conversations, basically using the game as nothing more than the foundation for the evening, the prop that makes the evening happen.
But one day the guy got severely addicted to an expensive, gambling-adjacent, brain cell-destroying smart phone game and decided that playing that game was all that mattered- so much so that none of the board games he and the girl used to play are not only unnecessary, but actually offensive to his eyes and must cease to contaminate Game Night.
After all, Royal Kingdom is sponsored by all the usual suspects- LeBron James, Kevin Hart, Jimmy Fallon- who have no other incentive other than to pitch us another way to lose our money. So it MUST be fun and certainly a better investment in time than silly board games and the conversations they encourage.
In real life, it would be nice to believe that the girl is deeply offended and saddened at the idea of replacing board game night with the two of them sitting in separate chairs staring at their individual phones playing another stupid game that literally vacuums money out of their pockets as they "progress." She might as what the point of him even coming over to her house if they aren't going to interact in any way beyond her answering the door and letting him in (oh wait, she doesn't even have to do that.) Because it's 2025, she's hooked after three seconds of looking at a screen because oh look it's got blinking lights so it's Uber Entertaining. Man I'm glad I'm old.
And on this sad note, we begin 2025. I am not optimistic.
When I first started this blog, I actually looked for this ad because it was still on television and I found it absolutely horrifying. I stumbled upon it on YouTube just the other day and figured better late than never. Let's talk about this ridiculous family and the lengths it goes to to be as inert as possible.
The guy and his wife complain that the signal from their satellite dish or antennae was being blocked by the foliage in their backyard. Because Television Uber Alles, the guy actually got himself outside in the fresh air and sunshine and did some physical work that didn't involve scrolling (this was 2003, after all- scrolling wasn't really a thing yet.) At least, I think he did- he says that in response to a $400 estimate for tree clearage he "did some pruning." Oh, who am I kidding- he means he paid other people to do that work. While he worked on that dad-shaped dent in the couch.
After all these efforts, he had a natural wooden pole where a tree used to be and I guess the signal still wasn't very good, so the family decided to go back to cable. We are told this as a way-too-big toddler lurches across the screen (at the 24 second mark, certainly the saddest moment in this entire commercial,) already exhibiting the consequences of being a member of this disgusting family.
Because, I'm sorry, but we can't ignore the elephant in the room: This television-obsessed family is morbidly obese, and the very last thing it needs is more Sedentary Time in front of the Boob Tube. This will sound dark but I actually have to wonder if the adult male and female in this ad are even still alive today. They look like walking- or wobbling- Diabetes. And how did those kids turn out? Are they chips off the old block of lard? Are they currently as into Netflix and staring at their phones as mom and dad were in watching cable tv?
Subaru is a Deeply CaringTM Company because (for a limited time*) it will give a donation to the American Cancer Society for every Subaru purchased. That's the message they want us to take in, and here's a cancer victim they're willing to exploit in the process of selling it.
Now let's break this down and expose why this is cynical, shameless, and just plain gross:
The deal is that Subaru will give a "Minimum Contribution" of $300 for each Subaru purchased or leased between 12/20/2025 and 01/02/2026. Yeah, this is a VERY limited time offer. Not even two full weeks. But we aren't supposed to notice that- the Awwwwww Isn't Subaru Wonderful vibes are supposed to last a lot longer. Is this a popular time of year to buy a new car? I don't know, maybe. I doubt that has anything to do with the timing of this ad however, unless there's a sense of desperation to get the 2025s off the lot before they depreciate even more.
Yeah, but it's a super-generous offer anyway, right? Well, let's see how generous it really is:
According to Edmunds.com, depending on the model, a new Subaru Outback will run you anywhere from $31,000 to $46,000. The same site informs me that the typical Lease deal on the same car will run anywhere from $340 to $700 or more a month, assuming $2500 down, plus interest. In other words, Subaru's very very generous Heart of Gold Offer amounts to something considerably less than one percent of the total price of the purchase, or less than a single payment, or less than 20% of a single down payment, or far, far less than the interest the dealership will make on any sale or lease deal.
But I guess we're supposed to ignore all that and focus on the sweet sweet Hallmark-level commercial and the moment which I guess was made possible by Subaru Somehow Just Turn Your Brain Off And Don't Think About It Too Much Just Buy a Subaru Don't You Want To Cure Cancer You Ghouls?
Here's an Alternate Proposal: Maybe spending $30,000 or more buying a Subaru isn't the most efficient way to help fund the cure for cancer. How about writing a check to the American Cancer Society instead? That way you give to a good cause without funding an exploitive corporation AND aren't locked in to a multiyear contract to drive an overrated, overpriced vehicle because you were guilted by a tv commercial into it a few days after Christmas in 2025.
Look, it's no secret to the Several People who actually follow this blog that I consider gambling apps an absolute cancer on everything they touch (mainly professional sports, but if we're honest they've got their tentacles into pretty much anything that involves money, which is pretty much anything.)
Take this commercial (but don't watch it. Save the brain cells, you'll need them.) It got a lot of hype because it's apparently the first Entirely AI-generated ad in the history of Advertising. But I don't care about that- I fully expect all ads to be AI-generated within a few months (so sorry-not-sorry to Toyota Jan, Jake from State Farm, Flo from Progressive, etc.- hope you saved that sweet sweet spokeschoad money.) No, I'd rather keep my focus on a company which unironically uses the pitch "Trade the Future" when promoting the idea that it's fun and exciting and potentially very profitable to bet the rent money and 401(k) on, well, pretty much ANYTHING. Trade the Future, indeed. When the class action lawsuits eventually drag the promoters of crippling addiction to court, they'll certainly be able to claim that they were 100 percent upfront about what was being offered with a touch of the screen. I mean, who can't figure out that "Trade the Future" means "Risk the Future?" As much as I loathe these bloodsuckers, if I were on the jury I'd probably have to rule for them.
Kalshi doesn't win the Worst of the Worst Award on it's own; it must share that "honor" with every gambling app that has gobbled up ad space on American television and streaming services. The commercials are not just the worst things on TV; they represent the worst thing that became Mainstream in American culture in 2025. That sad habit the Uncle you don't talk about at Thanksgiving struggles with is now sold as just another form of entertainment to make whatever you are watching- or doing, or thinking about doing- a little more interesting. And to think that I used to be irritated trying to watch sporting events with people more interested in checking their fantasy stats every 2.5 seconds rather than the actual game on the actual tv. Now I can imagine watch parties featuring people whose ability to pay next month's rent depends on the successful conversion of a 4th and 5 in the third quarter by a team on it's third backup QB.
So here's to you, Gambling Apps- you are the worst of the worst. I'd say you even beat Kevin Hart, but among the many things he whores for is SportsKings, so it's more like a shared honor. Um, Congratulations?
