Monday, December 19, 2011

"And..... everyone you've ever met will be glad to hear this happened to you."

It's almost horrifying to realize that this commercial chronicles the life of exactly ONE disgustingly entitled dickwad. It would be bad enough if we saw four separate episodes in the life of four separate people- to believe that all of this crude nastiness exists within a single semi-human makes me think that we've found the subject of the next installment of the Omen series.

It starts with his formative years, when Damien introduced himself to the world with his flat refusal to accept an ice cream cone until it's been decked out in colorful sprinkles (he can't ask for the sprinkles, of course- that would be...what is the word I'm trying to think of? Oh yea- POLITE. He has to treat the poor guy behind the counter like a worker drone who should be eternally grateful for the opportunity to serve. Anyway, this kid has learned a very valuable lesson- being a demanding, rude jackass pays off. It's a lesson he will, unfortunately for us, never forget.

Later, Mr. Loathsome Choad has grown into a skinny, scruffy (but what guy on tv isn't scruffy these days- jesus, when is the To Hell With Shaving look going to go out of style already?) but still Very Much Determined To Demand Everything jerk, not satisfied with being offered a nice job until the interviewer grants him stock options, too. Because this guy looks like someone you'd want to encounter at the water cooler every day. Of course.

And now it gets really, really bad- Disgusting Proof that Fecal Matter Can Be Trained To Walk Upright is complimented on a pair of jeans he's trying on, but the compliment is only good enough if the saleswoman offers sex in exchange for the chance to earn the commission. For the next three seconds or so, the commercial becomes an ad for Enzyte or K-Y Jelly (it's certainly nothing you want to have to explain to your kids who were just trying to spend a few hours of quality time watching football with you.) What, this guy is James Bond now? Are we supposed to find him attractive? Or is it just more of the Hot Women on TV are Easy theme?

At the conclusion of this brain-numbing, steaming cow pie of an advertisement, Our Hero takes a swig of Coke Zero and gives us an indication that THIS is the best thing that's happened to him all day. His friends at the table seem mystified at his reaction. I'm mystified that Mr. Smarm has friends. And that anyone could possibly get this excited over Coke Zero, which is just like Diet Coke if Diet Coke came in a black can and included a nasty aftertaste.

Anyway, we are left wishing that a gas leak in the restaurant kitchen would suddenly level this place and kill everyone in it. Sure, we only really hate that one guy, but if he ends up with his face burned off and with shards of that can jammed halfway down his throat, I'd call them acceptable losses.

(I'd like to be the paramedic on the scene who tells the guy "sorry, you're going to die now." When he responds with the inevitable "And...?" I would respond "and you aren't doing it fast enough" or "and you will not be missed.")


  1. Is it all right if I call him Michael Patterson? I really want to call him that because he looks like the kind of guy who'd rush into a burning building to save his laptop.

  2. Since Michael Patterson is exactly the kind of person who falls ass-backwards into everything he wants Just Because, AND is exactly the kind of guy we wouldn't mind ending up lying maimed and dying on the floor of a burning restaurant, please feel free.

  3. What an entitled douche! *twitch* I want to bitchslap the mother for just standing there with an idiotic smile on her face when the little hellspawn said "And?", like...well, a drone there to do his bidding and unworthy of respect. Because the rude dude gets the food, so sayeth Microbe Patterspawn. The rude dude also gets his six-figure job offer withdrawn because the exec who just hired him is blown away by the arrogance and balls of the unkempt jackass he did the huge favor of hiring (and the exec is secretly glad to have discovered what an ass the guy is now, because imagine if the guy had actually started working there and the exec had had to live down hiring such a loser), and he doesn't get the hottie who just complimented his jeans because she really wants some action that weekend but she's not even remotely desperate enough to hook up with a concave-chested loser who thinks he's hotter than Brad Pitt and Gerard Butler. And when a few people take pity on him and choose to risk hearing about it by being seen in public with him, they think he's really, really weird for acting like Coke is the greatest thing ever. Because, seriously, if you're acting like that, it's clear your idea of a social life is playing WoW for forty-eight hours straight.