Friday, December 30, 2011

Hey, Golden Corral: Put Lipstick on a pig, and it's still a pig!

Ok, I'm going to be a total elitist snob in this post. I can just imagine this stupid "chocolate waterfall" becoming the talk of neighborhoods populated with the kind of rubes who think that Golden Corral is the place you go for "special" occasions like Bowling League night or to celebrate winning the Horseshoe tourney (for mom's birthday, it's Denny's. For weddings, it's Olive Garden or Sizzler.) If I close my eyes I can SEE the sweatpants and fuzzy sweaters brigade ogling all the yummy steam vats full of fried chicken and shrimp, cube steaks and gravy, mac and cheese, etc that hold out the promise of maybe 30 minutes or so of shameless gorging.

Here's what else I can see- a line of disgusting, sweaty, sticky-fingered barely-bipeds poking pretty much everything imaginable into this chocolate dust-and-grease magnet. French fries. Chicken wings. Aforementioned sticky fingers. "Looky, everythin' tastes better when it's got chocolate on it, am I right or am I right? Strawberries? Ain't they related to them there fruit things? Hey, if we wanted healthy food, what would we be doin' at Golden Corral?"

Putting a chocolate fountain in a Golden Corral is kind of like offering champagne and caviar at a baseball game. It's like shopping for fine jewelry at a Dollar Store- at first glance it might look high-class, but then you remember where you are and think "wait, something is really, really wrong here..." (I mean, what's next- a waiter walking around with a giant pepper shaker at Cici's?)

Of course, this is exactly the thought that should be going through your mind if you find yourself at the Golden Corral in the first place. Then you should be asking "am I really this sad? Do I really need to be eating this crap? Do I really want to be associated with these people? (The "It made my jaw DROP" woman just made my day. Not to mention the guy explaining "I love chocolate, have since I was a kid." Wow, awesome insight coming from a guy who I PROMISE you does not take the feed store cap off during his "meal.")

Do I really think it's super-awesome that there's this liquid chocolate, and super-funny that Uncle Charlie just took a break from scooping meatloaf on to his plate to roll an ear of corn through it?"

Oh, and BTW- you tell me what is more disturbing here- that Golden Corral felt it was necessary to put up a huge sign which reads "Do Not Put Hands In Fountain," or that more than a dozen people decided to whip out their cell phones, capture this thing on video, and post it to YouTube?


  1. Next thing you know, they'll put the chocolate-coated whatevers in the deep fryer and really 'live it large'.

  2. "It's like goin' to a weddin' without havin' to dress up." I think we just found the perfect place to hold the next Glenn Beck Restoring Honor rally.

    Or maybe that's "restorin'."

  3. "Send in the Pluggers...Don't bother they're here."

  4. I just watched an episode of CSPAN's Washington Journal, broadcasting from Max's Diner in Iowa for the upcoming caucuses- EVERYBODY in the background, whether at the buffet or already seated- was wearing sweatpants and looked at least eighty pounds overweight. In other words, each and every one a Plugger.

    And in a few more days, they'll be waddling off to vote for Ron Paul because he'll make the guvahmint smaller and Protect Our Freedoms.

  5. I'm also an elitist food snob. I downed $200 worth of sushi last night at Nobu, and I do that kind of stuff all the time. LOVED the article. FYI, though - it's called a pepper mill.