Saturday, December 17, 2011

Calling the ASPCA!

So the old guy in the tasteless sweater who lives in a McMansion was experiencing a little problem- his electric bills were "breaking the bank." His solution- to buy some guinea pigs and teach them to slave away rowing to generate power which then allows him to "surf the web all day long."

Ugh, where to start? As long as this noxious prick was willing to torture animals into generating power, wouldn't it have made a lot more sense to just use an f---ng hamster wheel? Those exist in real life, you know. And it's not hard to see how they could be used to produce actual electricity. Even without teaching the little critters how to row a boat, let alone learn the word "row" (God this is stupid.) Heck, I bet a few days of tiny electronic shocks or perhaps food deprivation could pull it off. What this guy did to teach his guinea pigs to perform a complicated task- well, I don't really want to know.

And why did this disgusting jerkwad with the deadpan expression go through all of this for? Why, to allow him to sit his fat ass down in front of his computer and stare at a screen all. Day. Long. Well, that's nice. I hope those guinea pigs are eventually intelligent enough to realize that while they endured horrible pain to learn to manipulate tiny oars, and continue to experience endless suffering at the hands of their lord and master, at least it's all in a good cause. So this guy can surf the web. All. Day. Long.

Naturally, the unattended YouTube Children think that this commercial is so very funny and Epic- one proudly tells us that he loves it so much that once when it came on he cut himself trying to peel an orange, or something (to tell you the truth, I'm not quite sure what the point this Pudding for Brains was trying to make.) And of course, this is not actually an ad promoting the abuse of animals (please DON'T hook up your hamster's wheel to generate electricity. PLEASE.) It's just another commercial that reminds us how very little GEICO thinks of us. Like the YouTube comments are there to remind us that we deserve the contempt.

Meanwhile- this guy spent six months manipulating innocent creatures into generating energy- so he could surf the web. I hate to see how he reacts to a rise in the price of bread- maybe adopt some dogs and then train them to operate a grain mill? Hey, I hear cats can be taught to soak up heat on the roof all day- and at night, you can stuff them into the drywall for insulation. And we already know that monkeys can be trained to do pretty much anything. Thanks for letting us know the possibilities, GEICO.


  1. When gas prices go back up, I'm going to train my dogs to pull my vehicle. It'll take some effort because I have one German Shepherd and four Chihuahuas. I'll have to train the smallest one to serve as a coachman. That will take the longest, because like this guy's guinea pigs, they have to take on human attributes. Or maybe I can use the Chihuahuas in place of cats in your home-insulation suggestion.

    Thanks, John! You just saved me money and I didn't even have to switch to Geico!

  2. Anything that spares us humans even the slightest inconvenience or annoyance is a good thing.

  3. My cats are trained to prepare and bring me breakfast. Saves me the energy of having to do it myself. I also have one of those voice activated XBoxes, or whatever it is, so I don't have to actually waste energy looking for the remote or, God truly forbid, having to exert effort to walk three feet to the tele and press buttons. ;p I've always thought this commercial was stupid. First, how stupid to put time, money, and energy into powering only once device, which I doubt would lower your crushing power bill much, and what a stupid ass choice of ways to produce your own energy. I don't get what car insurance has to do with high electric bills, because saving on car insurance doesn't change jack about the fact you're wasting energy and needlessly paying more than you need to.

  4. I hope these things at least leave this guy with a bad case of bubonic plague.