Saturday, December 17, 2011

When is Al Gore going to get out of the way and let Exxon extract my oil?

First- is there some law which says that whenever an oil company produces an advertisement designed to convince us that oil is the fuel of the future and that this is a good thing, said advertisement must include smiling, hopeful-looking children and suburban homes decked out in American flags?

Second, can we agree that the agencies hired to produce commercials for these companies are absolute geniuses when it comes to inventing user-friendly catchphrases to describe the environment-murdering resource they are pimping to us? I mean, "Oil Sand?" "Clean Coal?" It all sounds so nice, doesn't it? British Petroleum provided a nice gift of Oil Sand to the Gulf Coast of Mexico a while back, remember that? (Maybe you don't, because the Liberal, Corporation-hating Media called it a "Spill.") Reminds me of when the power plant on The Simpsons experienced a meltdown, and Mr. Burns referred to it as "an unrequested fission surplus."

Finally- when are these companies going to stop using the language of Socialism to promote companies which represent the very worst in Capitalism? The implied message in all these ads is that "we" have enough oil, natural gas, whatever "right here at home," "right under our feet," and all "we" have to do is go get it. If allowed to do so, the companies that drill, frack and squeeze the crap out of "our" country will "provide" the energy "we" are currently buying from Those People Who Hate Us For Our Freedoms in the Middle East. And in doing so, they'll create a hundred thousand jobs "right here at home," assuming that "home" means "Canada." Of course, this is only true if we Nationalize these natural resources- something I'm willing to bet Chevron, British Petroleum, Exxon etc. are really not all that interested in. In the real world, every drop of "our" oil would, of course, go right on to the world market, sold side by side with Canadian Oil and Russian Oil and Venezuelan Oil and Saudi Oil. If the people in the houses with the smiling kids and the pretty flags get any of it, it will be because they outbid everyone else.

Not that "we" here in the land of smiling kids and pretty flags won't get something a little extra for our willingness to allow these companies to tear the hell out of our backyards. We can look forward to the delightfully spontaneous creation of oozing black rivers and lakes when there's an Unrequested Fuel Surplus from time to time, and more of that wonderful Oil Sand. Not to mention the hilarious, Only in America flammable water available to more and more kitchen sinks, at no extra charge. And we'll be putting a few Canadians to work- just par for the course for the Most Generous People On The Planet.

And never forget the pride that comes with ownership. That's OUR fuel allowing the world to hold off the inevitable switch to renewable resources for a few more decades. It's a feeling you just can't get from a solar panel. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to turn up the thermostat and head off to Lowe's for another Made in China American flag to display from my porch.


  1. 'Oil sand' isn't a euphemism, it's what it's actually called. Or maybe it's tar sand. Whichever. The opponents of the Keystone XL Pipeline project use the term as well, and you know they wouldn't if it was just an oil company trying to make things sound shiny for public consumption. That's the only thing Exxon isn't prettying up to bullshit the public, though.

  2. I know it's actually called "oil sand." I note this sounds much better than "sludge," which would be an equally accurate description.