Monday, December 12, 2011

For the person in your life who already has everything: More.

Is there room for any doubt that Lexus will not stop subjecting us to these horrible commercials until everyone on the planet absolutely despises the company, the jingle, and every actor who has ever appeared in any of them?

This family comes close to some level of Wholesomeness, because for a few moments they are actually doing something together. Of course, when you think about it for a moment, you realize that they must have been doing something together for some time, because they've managed to prevent mom from noticing the overpriced luxury car with the giant red bow being parked ostentatiously in the driveway. Maybe they were using the SodaStream or whipping up Lattes? Maybe they were gazing at their individual Apple laptops and updating their Facebook pages? Whatever it was, I'm sure it was fun, Upscale, and very, very White.

Anyway, this whole mess comes to a climax when mom realizes that someone has reprogrammed "Mom's Song" (Mom doesn't have a name; she left that with her soul, at the altar) to match the Lexus Jingle. It takes a few moments to sink into Mom's brain, but the giant, delighted grins on Dad and her 2.5 children eventually give it away. And then it's time to leave the cavernous living room with the freaking wall-sized windows looking out into the perfect fucking snow-encrusted lawn (well, why not, everything about this family is perfect, naturally the very trees in the lawn would be delicately shroud in newly-fallen snow. To expect otherwise would be to imply that this family's fecal matter emits odors. Not a chance.)

The final scene is the exact same god damned final scene we see in every. Single. One. Of these Ads. Spouse who lives in a suburban palace and is obviously used to getting every freaking thing her heart has ever desired finds a Lexus in the driveway. What strains credulity is the fact that the receiver of this gift always acts so damned surprised- why? I mean, last year it was two weeks in Paris. The year before that, it was the Navigator she said she wanted. The year before that, it was the indoor swimming pool. And let's not even start on those dirt bikes and ponies the kids have been getting every December since they were roughly six. The only surprise here is what took so damned long for the giver to get the freaking hint- I mean, these ads have been around for a long time now, and didn't you notice the look of disappointment when she opened that box of chocolate diamonds while taking the Cessna to Greece last summer?

Meanwhile, the only look we have on our faces is that of slow-burning rage and hate for anyone who was within one square mile of the lot when these commercials were created. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh for the Holiday Season, but you should all burn in hell. Slowly. While the Lexus Jingle plays in an endless loop in the background.


  1. If smiling Aryan children dancing in the snow around a luxury automobile isn't the true meaning of Christmas, then why on Earth did God send us his only begotten Son?

  2. The good news is that if Dad accidentally forgets to spend at least fifty grand on Mom this Christmas, Valentine's Day is right around the corner.