Friday, December 9, 2011

That does it; I'm converting!!

I've never heard of this "Christy Lane" person. I'm not sure if she's really a professional singer, or a regular on the Old Time Gospel Hour, or the minister of the most popular megachurch this side of Lynchburg. What I do know is that she scares the hell out of me.

Christy Lane sings Christmas Songs. And not just ANY Christmas songs; Christy Lane sings only the most smarmy, treacle-laden, dripping with gush Christmas songs, suitable for any December at Wal Mart, but not a welcome addition to any home I'VE ever been to.

Christy Lane's voice has "conquered the world." Yikes, where have I been? Again, I've never even HEARD of this woman. And besides, I thought that the world had ALREADY been conquered, years ago, by Jim Neighbors. Or was that Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute? Is there a brutal War of Allegedly Inoffensive Yet Horribly Grating Music going on somewhere I don't know about? A war I am reminded of only around the final month of every year? A war fought exclusively by Extremely White People whose uniform is big fuzzy red and green sweaters? A war in which all down time is to be spent cuddling golden-haired cherubs* and decking every spare inch of the house with tinsel and blinking lights while congratulating ourselves on our painfully vanilla Christian "beliefs?"

Let me know how it goes, Christy et al. Whatever world you and the rest of your weirdo ilk is fighting over is one I want no part of. I'm not sure how all this glitz translates into hating gays, reproductive rights and Barack Obama, and to tell you the truth, I don't really care all that much. I'm too busy looking for the exit. Buddhism, anyone?

*If you look very carefully, you can see that little girl blinking out "CALL THE POLICE" in code.


  1. She's back again. From the 80's comes Kristy Lane: "Internationally known" hocker of bad Christmas music!! Of course, nobody has ever heard of her but she's famous in her own mind. That's her telling us all in a voice over about how wonderful and well known she is. I've seen this commercial over the years...about 25 of them now.
    Finally I just had to know who this famous person no one person I've known hasn't known of! So, Wikipedia tells me she is only 72 years old. Yeah, not the red headed green sweater set any longer. She's the gray haired white sweater wearer we see on senior special days at IHOP. Now the shaky voiced commentator in her commercials makes sense. I guess Kristy needs bank again this year...I just saw her commercial twice during Dr Phil.:-)

  2. Ever notice how the commercials only use footage of her from what appears to be the 80's? The frizzy, poodle hair do and loud clothing gives it away.

    They refer to her voice as breathtaking? OMG, it's about as exciting as being on a stuck elevator with someone suffering from gastritis.

    She makes Kathie Lee Gifford's singing voice sound bearable!