Sunday, December 4, 2011

I wish he would stick to racing down hills on a Norelco razor

If it's December, it's time to portray Santa Claus as a creepy stalker with a taste for high-end trinkets and a really bad case of Tourette's.

How else can you explain Saint Nick's yearly approval of the ugly pieces of rock guys choose to waste their money on in desperate attempts to be semi-worthy of the women they've already talked into marrying them?

And why does Santa always act so damned deranged in these ads? He's not being jolly- he's just being irritating. And I'm sorry, I'm just not capable of the suspension of disbelief required for commercials like this- if a fat old man in a flashy red suit suddenly appears in my living room, I'm not having a casual conversation with him. I'm going for the gun. Especially if I've got kids. Instead, we always see this ho-hum "oh hi, Santa- kind of thought you were just a myth my parents told me when I was young- so, you're real, huh? Live and learn, I guess." Not even a "oh man, I KNEW I shouldn't have guzzled that egg nog I found in the back of the fridge from last year- how long is this vision gonna last, and when does the vomiting take over?"

In the long version of this commercial, the guy sits under the tree with his wife on Christmas morning (in his PAJAMAS, because that's what grown men wear when they are alone with their wives, on some planet) and hands her the string of pebbles that is supposed to symbolize his love for her, but actually only serves as a reminder of his pathetic lack of imagination or interest in discovering what the Love of His Life really wanted for a gift. He tells her that "Santa knew you'd like it," she gives him a totally appropriate odd look, and instead of adding "Um, I mean the guy dressed as Santa at the jewelry store" like a sane person, he attempts to keep the joke going with a "no, really."

Because Wifey is too exhausted and past her prime to consider putting herself on the market again, and after all it IS a pretty nice looking trinket, she just shuts this crap up by kissing him. Pretty good move, actually, considering the lack of alternatives. This is all supposed to be charming and sweet- again, on some planet. Just not the one I live on.

What a pity Thomas Nast or Coca Cola couldn't have maintained the copyright on the Santa Claus character. Would have saved us a lot of garbage like this ad. Sure, there would still be plenty of commercials featuring guys blowing enough money to feed a hundred homeless people down at the shelter on a string of hardened dirt, but at least they wouldn't be able to enlist Santa in the cause.


  1. I would like to take this opportunity to restate my belief that all jewelry ads should simply show the product while sing-songy voices chant 'Pretty, pretty!! Shiny, shiny!!" over and over again. I mean, if they're appealing to the instinct to grab onto glittery trash we inherited from our simian ancestors, they should at least be honest about it.

  2. "OOOOH, another rock! Thanks, honey! Maybe in a few more years, I'll have enough of these to pawn and buy that Lexus I've always wanted but you never get around to getting me!"

  3. Speaking as a woman (and according to these ads, we're all easily distracted by jewelry), I think these bracelets are ugly. They look like something a child would make in a craft class. And if my spouse/boyfriend/whatever dropped a decent chunk of change on one of them, I think I'd have to smack him upside the head with something heavy... like that Godawful bracelet.

    I know you must have seen the one where they're in an airport and the woman next to the bracelet wearer asks about it and apparently, gets to hear her life story as told in cheap looking charms.

    I get all rage-y when that one comes on.