Tuesday, April 3, 2012

And if you have Direct TV, you get subjected to stupid crap like this

"When you have cable and there's nothing on, you get depressed."

Hopefully, you "get depressed" not because there's nothing on, but because you realize that your happiness depends on being able to sit on your ass watching television.

"When you go to seminars, you feel like a winner."

Sounds like a darned good seminar. But of course, this is Teh Evil to Direct TV, which only wants you to be happy while you are becoming part of your couch, developing callouses on your fingers from lovingly stroking your remote (I mean that thing with buttons that controls the tv- what is with your disgusting mind these days?)

"When you feel like a winner, you go to Vegas..."

Really? People who feel fulfilled and happy go to Vegas and gamble? Never knew this. I thought that those who went to Vegas to gamble were either comfortably well-off people who saw gambling as a form of recreation or entertainment, or sad losers addicted to a lifestyle that was sucking them dry. I never associated gambling with feeling "like a winner." I learn something new every day.

"When you go to Vegas, you lose everything."

Eh, maybe. Most people who go to Vegas certainly do lose, but the vast majority don't lose "everything." I imagine that the Vegas Chamber of Commerce will be having a word with Direct TV in the very near future.

Anyway, this all boils down- again- to reminding us that our lives are certain to spiral out of control if we don't invest in Direct TV. Because all good things come from watching the time-sucking idiot box- obesity, social isolation, dulled imagination, etc.

I have a different take: If you have Direct TV, you waste your life sitting in your dark living room watching crap. If you waste your life sitting in your dark living room watching crap, you don't get outside and get exercise and make friends. If you don't get outside and get exercise and make friends, your life isn't worth preserving, and might as well be wasted watching television.

Waste your life watching television. Get Direct TV.


  1. It's not like anyone who'd fall for ads like this would be missed, is it?

  2. Anyone who gets depressed over a lack of good shows on the TV has much, much bigger problems than not being able to find something to watch during that particular hour (though they do have a point about not being able to find anything good on cable. It's amazing how many channels of crap there are, and the same is true for satellite TV).

    I think what they were getting at with the whole 'feel like a winner, go to Vegas' thing is you feel like you're bulletproof and can't lose, so you're going to go to Vegas and win big, baby! You're there to get rich the quick and easy way. If you're saying to yourself, "Self, only someone who is very stupid would actually think that", you're right. That's the same kind of person who'd get depressed over nothing good on TV and who would gamble away everything in Vegas, leaving them so totally broke that they're reduced to selling their hair to a wigmaker.

  3. I love the creativity and fun in these DirecTV ads. Why don't you do something with whatever talents you have instead of attacking those who bring a laugh to so many people?

  4. Let me see if I get this straight, Janice-

    1. you don't care for my comments, and therefore

    2. I ought to do something else with my time other than post my thoughts on my blog.

    I would take your advice, but I'd always be concerned that maybe Janice wouldn't approve of my new hobby. Because, as it turns out, it's All About Janice. I had no idea.

  5. Don't be a "Janice", stay with cable TV.