Saturday, April 28, 2012

And it really conceals that freshly-dug grave, too!

Garden in a Box?

It's official.  The world is coming to an end.  And in my humble opinion, not a moment too soon.

No doubt from the people who brought you microwaveable pizza rolls, the Buttoneer and that thing that scrambles the egg while it's still inside it's shell.  Or maybe the guys who have sold us millions of Chia pets over the years.  In fact, isn't this Roll and Grow thing just a Chia Pet for your lawn?

"Don't have any actual interest in being outside and getting dirty engaging in a healthy hobby on the weekends?  Don't see the value of pride in a job well done?  Don't have Clue One what kind of plants you might like to use to express your own personality, making your house stand out in the neighborhood?  Only really interested in showing well for your neighbors?* Well, introducing Roll and Grow!!

"Now you can say 'FU' to all that thinking, planning, and accomplishing something BS- it was always overrated anyway.  Just roll this mother out on your lawn, water it liberally, and watch the damn thing grow without any further input on your part (apparently the lady shown here watering her seed-embedded green carpet ordered the deluxe version, because the damned thing explodes into growth AS SHE'S WATERING IT OMGOD IT MUST BE SOME KIND OF MUTATION!!)"

Oh, and because it's "like cloth" ("like" in this case meaning the same as "is") you can cut it to fit around corners, etc.  Well, that's kind of a pain- when are they going to come out with a version pre-fitted to my lawn?  Tomorrow? Awesome.

I didn't watch this whole commercial, but I think it's safe to assume that there all kinds of nifty extras you can add to your order if you call RIGHT NOW- extras that are ABSOLUTELY FREE (just pay exorbitant Shipping and Handling fees.)  So someone tell me- what are they?  An extra ten yards of Not Garden?  Maybe one of those hanging banana trees?  Actual Chia Pets?

I've actually read a few reviews of this and similar products- apparently the plant growth is spotty, leaving ugly blank spots around the almost-as-ugly Flowers You Didn't Bother To Plant, You Lazy Twat.  Seems like a reasonable payoff- do something half-assed, get a half-assed result.  What's the problem?

Here's the problem- I've got a Mom and Dad who are in their early-eighties who spend an average of six hours a day doing yard work around their country home.  And I don't mean spreading out a carpet of seeds and watering it.  I mean real work- planting, weeding, watering, fertilizing (using home-made compost, yet.)  And not just flowers- they have a huge vegetable garden which requires the placement and maintenance of bean poles and a chicken-wire fence to keep out the hungry critters, more weeding, more watering, etc.  I won't even mention the work involved in bringing in the harvest as it ripens.  All I do is mow their lawns (I'm sure there's a robo-mower out there for me.  I don't want it) and THAT'S a chore.

The end result is that they have beautifully landscaped lawns with gorgeous flower and vegetable gardens, and at the end of the day they can stroll around it with pride (if they aren't too exhausted) because THEY DID IT THEMSELVES.

Roll out a carpet, water it, and get someone else's idea of what a flower garden looks like?  Then what?  Go inside, whip yourself up a batch of instant potatoes and a frozen pizza for the kids while you fight over the DirectTV remote?  Hey, maybe you can get someone to do two of those things for you.  Life is sooooo hard, after all.

*Strongly Recommended:  Install your Roll and Grow system at night.  Not because it's healthier for the seeds, but seriously- do you really want your neighbors to see you doing this?


  1. Because nothing says "I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm lazy about it" like a flower garden that looks like you dumped all the seeds in a can, shook it up, and threw them out over dirt at random. One pot with this stuff would be too much, never mind part or all of a yard. I noticed they didn't mention that regular watering is required. I guess mentioning that would scare too many people off.

    If it were possible to get this with just one kind of flower, or different sections that have different kinds of flowers that are color coordinated not to scar your retinas (which the current version does), I'd be willing to consider using it because seeds from a packet can be a real pain in the arse. What would be really great is a layer like this under the top soil that retards weed growth as it decomposes and breaks down.

    1. Considering how quickly weeds will find ways through heavy black plastic, around rocks, etc. it seems likely that within a week, they are punching holes in your lovely little Carpet of Flowers and you end up on your hands and knees maintaining this thing anyway. Muttering obscenities because the flowers are too close together to allow for the use of Round Up. Or going online to see if anyone sells an automatic weeding machine.

  2. What pointless 'convenience' could they possibly come up with next? They've already got the self-cleaning litter bin so I think that we're about done with stupid things that people don't need.

  3. I also really love the black and white shots at the beginning of the filthy, sweaty guy killing himself trying to maintain his Medieval flower garden. Hey buddy- you don't have to use your face to dig the hole, you know!

  4. Until now I've been lurking, reading and enjoying all of your entries without really feeling compelled to comment; but this one was really hilarious, and you are spot on about taking pride and satisfaction in a job well done and done right. Just wanted to say I agree and thx for the lulz :)