Sunday, April 1, 2012

AT&T, 4G and Facebook- your recipe for a lot of lonely weekends

Let's cut to the chase right off the bat- the day I sit down with a speed date who instantly begins to compare what I say about myself to what my Facebook status says about myself is the day I get up from the table and walk away. Because why do I want to spend more than five seconds with this freakishly paranoid, judgmental weirdo who doesn't get that the only attractive thing about "speed dating" and "It's Just Lunch" is that they give you a license to blatantly lie your butt off about yourself- if this gets at all serious, we can start amending the mountain of manure you buried your date with in order to make a first good impression at that time. If it doesn't go beyond that first encounter, well, nothing lost, right?

Let me amend that first paragraph. The day I find myself speed dating, I'm just going to go home and cry myself to sleep anyway. And not because I'm afraid that someone I meet speed dating is going to check my Facebook status while I'm trying to introduce myself, because I don't HAVE a Facebook status (someone took care of that- you know who you are...) It's more because...well, jeesh. Speed dating? Really?

Anyway, is this REALLY an advertisement for AT&T's 4g connectivity network whatsamahoee whateveritis? Seems to me like its more of a "stop putting every stupid character flaw on the internet for the world to snark on, idiots, unless of course you WANT to be laughed at on the off chance that you ever actually meet someone you might like to get to know outside of a chat room" public service announcement than a commercial for anything.

And if you insist on putting your profile on line, at LEAST make up crap about yourself that might actually attract pretty, intelligent girls you'd actually enjoy being with. Like having multiple degrees and belonging to National Honors Societies and running for Congress and being a successful High School teacher (assuming that there are people out there who think that the words "successful" and "High School teacher" go together.) You know, sweet, innocent BS like that. Don't show your dark side- that will become starkly obvious anyway, probably before the dessert arrives (hey, I'm starting to see an upside to this whole "speed date" thing.)

Come to think of it, if you are willing to date techno-addled jerks who insist on researching your life while they are sitting at the fricking table with you, maybe none of this matters anyway. Just bring your own 4G phone, so you can respond by sniggering at her High School yearbook picture and her inferior-looking Facebook "friends." Or bring the report you printed up from "yeah, ok, so I totally invented my online profile- at least I'm not a serial killer wanted in five states. Now that we've cut through the crap, what are you doing next Friday?"


  1. Once again, we have an ad for a technological advance that is being abused in a gratuitously stupid and anti-social fashion. If they were to depict is as being used as a valuable tool of industry, I might be impressed by it. Here? Not so much.

  2. 4G stands for fourth generation. 4G replaced 3G which replaced 2G (WiFi), which I guess makes 1G dial-up.

  3. So a generation is, what, two years?