Tuesday, April 24, 2012

USA Tax Shield is really pulling at the heart strings with this one

Words cannot express my relief at learning that Sandra, Victor and their 2.5 children* were able to use USA Tax Shield to reduce their tax liability to a "reasonable" amount.  I mean, who wouldn't feel for these poor, put-upon citizens?

First of all, look how lovely and white they are.  Check out the suburban palace, with the manicured lawn, 500-year old oak trees and winding walkway, leading to their massive black SUV.  Surely we couldn't find a couple more deserving of tax relief in all the world!

Second, whatever got Sandra and Victor into tax difficulties, I'm sure it wasn't their fault.  I'm sure they MEANT to pay their taxes on time and in full, but gosh darn it, need I remind you that McMansions, gardeners and SUVs don't grow on trees?  Plus those Aspen holidays- they aren't free either, you know.

Yes, I'm sure we can all relate to Sandra and Victor.  All they were trying to do was live way beyond their means, in a house too large for their budgets, driving a car which screamed "LOOK HOW RICH WE ARE" as they drove through their perfect little white picket-fence world, when the mean old Government came hounding them with wage garnishments and levies (someday, I hope to be as patriotic and successful as Sandra and Victor.  Right now, I'm so far beneath them, I'm not even sure what "wage garnishments" and "levies" even mean.  I thought garnish was something you find on a salad, and levies were those things that don't protect poor people from drowning if they are built by the Army Corps of Engineers.)

I wish that this commercial had ended with an 800 number which we could use to call in and contribute to Sandra and Victor.  They need our help.  I can't bear the thought of Sandra having to fire her Guatemalan cleaning lady, or Victor having to skip his regular tee time with the boys on Sundays, just because that mean old government wants another example of The Most Productive to pay their taxes.  Damn that Obama and his Socialist Minions, wrecking the lives of honest, hard-working people like Sandra and Victor!  Oh the humanity!!

Oh, but I forgot- thanks to USA Tax Shield, Sandra and Victor don't need our help.  They got to wiggle out of their tax obligations for pennies on the dollar and "maintain their lifestyle" (man, I wanted to kill someone when I heard that line.)  It's a Happy Ending fit for a fairy tale- that is, if fairy tales generally ended with wealthy people coasting while the middle class and poor got handed the bill.  And with me throwing large, heavy objects at my tv.

*I know we only see one little girl, grinning like an idiot because she's blissfully unaware that Mom and Dad are clueless, characterless tax cheats who will no doubt take this lesson and use it to run up massive credit card debt in service of "maintaining their lifestyle."  But we all know she's got a brother named Bobby or Hunter or Cody, and that there's a little bundle of something along the way.  These people breed like rabbits.


  1. Disgusting. No sympathy. At all. Ever.

  2. Wow, and I thought paying taxes was patriotic.

  3. It is rather annoying to see people like this wriggle their way out of paying their taxes and dying like everyone else. It's like Lapham said: they tend towards thinking that poor people have no immediate use for money and thus must be given the pig's share of the tax burden.

  4. You know the if the poor had more money, they'll just spend it. The Rich spend money too, but they spend it on much nicer things, so it only makes sense to let them have More.