Saturday, April 7, 2012

Well, it is a week to celebrate Miracles, right?

I bet you never thought you'd see the words "Miracle" and "Socks" brought together like this in an advertisement, did you? After all, there aren't that many products out there more mundane than socks.

Until now. Introducing Miracle Socks, the most recent Late Night Bet You Didn't Even Realize You Needed This product, most likely from the same people who brought you Miracle Sunglasses, Miracle Non-Stick Diamond cookware and the rest of the Miracle Garbage cataloge.

Miracle Socks end the many hassles that come with regular, everyday non-miracle socks. Like slipping, and holes in the toes. And the cutting off of the blood supply we all get from normal socks, which cause massive swelling, hemorrhaging and the all too typical leg ruptures, which in turn lead to very expensive surgery, amputation and even death.

How much would you pay to avoid all of this? Well, similar socks have been advertised on Make Believe Websites for upwards of $70 (probably the same phony sites which offer $300 sunglasses and $1000 nonstick pans.) Because you were lucky enough to be watching this particular station, you've stumbled right into an Available For The Next Six Years Only offer. Even better, you can get double the offer for "free"- except that of course the outlandishly expensive Shipping and Handling charges make any extras a very, very costly trap. But hey, how can you put a price on a Miracle?

And best of all- these socks are discreet. I don't know what that means. People can't tell you are wearing socks? Is this something you want to keep secret? Or is it that if someone asks these socks about you, they ain't talking? What?


  1. Miracle: an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs; an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.

    That's from the Merriam-Webster dictionary. I'd add that it's something that defies natural explanation. Coming back from the dead, for example. Walking on water. Making the lame walk, the blind see, and the deaf hear. Being shot through the heart and surviving. Compression stockings? Not a miracle. *deep sigh* With as casually as 'miracle' is used, I suspect we'll be describing being able to get up in the morning and pour yourself a cup of coffee as a miracle in the near future. xp

  2. Well, we've got a depressingly large population of dim bulbs out there determined to call every result of a fertilized egg manifesting itself into a miniature human being a "miracle," so I guess the socks thing was inevitable. The word has zero meaning these days.

  3. What makes it worse is that we can expect other miracles like this in the years to come. I can't think of any product that can't be made into a 'miracle' by some huckster. We may well live to see ads for miracle toothpicks, miracle cotton swabs, miracle coin rollers and miracle toe nail clippers.