Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Bad News: These just make you a slightly taller version of yourself

I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I instantly froze and sat riveted to the screen when I saw the words "PAY ATTENTION" flashing repeatedly on the screen.  Especially with that red background.

Which meant that for the next 90 seconds or so, I got a lecture on why my life is destined to suck unless I can add a few inches to my height.  The guys at work won't respect me- they won't even notice I'm there.  Maybe they'll step on me, or slam the door in my face.  Maybe they'll think I'm a bug and take a swipe at me with a rolled up newspaper.  I'm sure not going to get That Raise- they'll be giving that to Slightly Taller Than Me Bob.  And now I'll know why.

That hot girl on the golf course (that's what it looks like to me, anyway) won't even give me the time of day.  And it won't be because she's not really standing right next to me, it's just a split screen.  It will be because even though I'm by far the best looking guy she's ever seen (funny, and a good listener, too) I'm not in her direct line of sight, being an inch or two shorter than she is.  Too bad for her- if only she had learned to look slightly down, we might have been the perfect couple.  Wasn't meant to be, I guess.  Her loss.

Thankfully, there are these leftover plastic retainers from the 1970s which are being sold as "MaxTall height enhancers," or something.  you just stick these things into the heel of any shoe which has a lot of extra room in the heel, and it Miraculously (there's that word again) makes you up to two feet taller.  Because they are invisible, no one will ever notice.  (They'll just think you strayed too close to an A-bomb test site, I guess.)

And of course, you'll be able to keep up the deceit because you can buy a set of these things for each and every pair of shoes you own.  Stay off the beach, and don't visit the houses of any of your Japanese friends, and your secret is safe.

But wait- what happens if that hot girl who suddenly finds you so attractive because she can make eye contact without looking down (is this a real problem somewhere?) allows you to take her back to your place for a roll in the sack (hey, it happens! No, really!)  Isn't this like the moment you finally have to take off the toupee (no, I don't have one?)  Or do you just keep your shoes on 24/7?

Actually, this seems to be the plan- we are told near the end of this ad that the MaxTall rubber thingees "mold to your heel, so your feet always stay in your shoes."  Yikes.  Maybe height won't be a problem anymore, but the stink from your feet will drive away fellow employees and hot girls alike, I'd think.


  1. *rolls eyes* Because there are just so many women out there who are 5'9" and will reject any guy who doesn't tower over them. Right.

  2. Being that I'm 5 feet and 4 1/2 (THE HALF COUNTS!) inches tall, I'm confused by one thing...

    Why are these being used in a woman's high-heeled shoe?

    Also, if you're feeling short, come stand next to me. Standing near me has three benefits- you'll feel taller, you'll feel thinner, and I'm pretty damn awesome to chat up.

    But speak up, I can't hear you from all the way down here.

    1. Well, I've been waiting for quite some time for you become available, Pahz. But at 5'7" myself, you would not make me feel all that much taller ;>).

    2. You'll still tower over me, but you won't have to shout for me to hear you down here.

      Being this short has a few advantages... those toadstools make dandy chairs, almost every bed I've slept in is long enough, and I almost always have shade.

  3. Well, it was about time that the people with the warehouse filled with shoe lifts tried this again. All the old shibboleths are arrayed to appeal to the Bernard Marxes of the world.

  4. I was just wondering if I got enough orabands (See earlier post) couldn't I just somehow stretch myself in a few weeks?

    1. You COULD spend MILLIONS on spinal-extension surgery. Or, you could spend $29.95 on a pair of Stretch Yourself Miracle Bands. Order now, and get a Chia Pet and Eagle Eyes Sunglasses for no additional charge, just pay separate shipping and handling!