Wednesday, April 4, 2012

If you're so great, Citi, why didn't you invent Sun Chips or Double-Stuff Oreos? Oh wait, maybe you did...

Wow, this is so embarassing. I'm a high school US history teacher; more than that, I'm an Advanced Placement US History teacher. I've been teaching this subject for seventeen years. I'm even one of the 1200 teachers who travel to Louisville, Kentucky every June to grade the million-plus essays written for the AP Exam. When I was a little kid, I'd grab an old textbook and sit with it under a tree for hours, soaking up as much history as I could. For fun. I can't remember a time when I did not love to read about the past.

And yet, I never picked up how Citibank was always at the center of it all. According to this ad, pretty much everything of any significance that has taken place in this nation since 1812 happened by the grace of Citibank. The Trans-Atlantic cable. The Panama Canal. The Marshall Plan. ATMs. The collapse of the Berlin Wall. All made possible, somehow, through the auspices of a massive, money-grubbing, blood-splattered corporate monster which I suspected all along ruled the world in partnership with Queen Elizabeth, the Masons and the Trilateral Commission but, as it turns out, was doing it all by themselves.

I'm certain that the long version of this commercial reveals that Citibank also brought us Currier and Ives prints, the telephone, roller coasters and transparent cola. Not to mention the Titanic, bobbed hair, hula hoops, lava lamps and two Gulf Wars. And I'm sure Citibank being responsible for the assassinations of Lincoln and Kennedy, and the Area 51 cover-up, were the first clips to hit the cutting room floor.

Thanks for humbling my pride, Citibank. I had no idea how little I really knew about history. No wonder my kids don't do so well on the AP exam. It's too late to undo past damage, but next year I'm going to end each lecture with "...of course, Citibank was primarily responsible for all this..."

The Marshall Plan and ATMs. Seriously amazing.


  1. The only reason Citibank ever backed projects like the ones in this ad were to make money.

    Now, I have NO problem with people making money, provided it's legal.

    On the other hand, if you exist to make a profit, you have no right to pass yourself off as a philanthropic foundation.

  2. I'd be a lot more willing to believe this campaign were they to tell us had to deal with some annoying loudmouth rabbi from Galilee chasing them out of the Temple on Jerusalem back in AD 33.

  3. They're working with the Illuminati, obviously.

  4. Looking at Wikipedia related to the Panama Canal, Citi was not one of the investors. I expect the rest of the suggested investments in important events were fabrications or wishes as well.

    If you repeat a lie enough times, it becomes truth...

  5. love the blog...I must say that I have only seen the advert on UK tv once, but as soon as I did, and I saw that a corporation was boasting about being a backer of the Marshall Plan like that was a good thing, I knew that it was time for a rant. The Marshall Plan is the single most critical reason why we are where we are, why we live with the world order as it is, why the throwaway society is the throwaway society, why we've been brainwashed into believing that shopping is the panacea for all evils, why we are conditioned into consuming everything we are told (by the tv etc) to consume, why the corporation is the powerful institution on the planet, I could go on and on and on...Max Keiser is pretty interesting when he talks about this good folks at Citi Bank