Monday, June 18, 2012

And what do we fill Corrals with? These hicks certainly fit the bill

"It makes me feel like a kid again."  Well, you've certainly retained the same IQ score, haven't you?

"This must be one of those Golden Corral things..." yeah, that's a good guess- showy, cheap non-food inbred troglodytes like you are encouraged to ruin your appetite on instead of consuming the meatloaf, mac n' cheese, fried chicken and grade-B "steak" (which is also showy, cheap non-food, so I'm not quite sure what my point is here.)  Sounds like Golden Corral to me, too.

Seriously- are Golden Corral commercials SUPPOSED to be funny?  Each and every one of them features easily entertained High School dropouts and their drooling, idiot spawn who like nothing better than to spend an evening filling their plates with warm junk that's already been picked over by hicks who got there first.   And last year, this All You Can Scarf feed pen introduced the "jaw dropping" chocolate "Wonderfall"- an endless river of Hershey syrup the fat yokels are encouraged to stick marshmallows, fruit and macaroons into instead of filling their plates with greasy junk for a fourth time.   Apparently the CEO of Golden Corral decided that this thing wasn't saving his company quite enough money, so now America's Favorite Slop Trough has added a cotton candy machine- something else for the (literally) unwashed masses to stick their hands in and consume instead of meat, potatoes and assorted white flour carbs.  Very appetizing.

Personally, if I were the guy picking up the bill for the herd enjoying (snigger) a night out at GC, I'd be pretty damned angry if my guests were spending all their time consuming chocolate-drenched cookies and cotton candy at $10 a plate.  Then again, what would I be doing bringing people I care about to this place to begin with? 

And so we leave these fat, ignorant, tasteless examples of America at it's Best to gaze in wonder at the chocolate syrup and the Just Stick Your Hand In There With Everyone Else cotton candy machine.  Go to it, loathsome knuckle-dragging bottom-feeders.   Sure, your eating habits are appalling and you are setting a horrible example for your children and you're putting a tremendous strain on the health care system.  But at least you are finding a way to keep amused as the world falls apart without f--ing around with your cell phones.  That's something, anyway.


  1. I just want to know if I can stick my wad of cotton candy into the chocolate fountain.


    Whew... I'm out of breath now, I need to sit down. Weird, my left arm is sort of numb, kind of sore, too. Hold on... it feels like someone has parked a truck on my chest-

    *falls over*

    *drools cheese*

  2. I assume that GC encourages people to stick the cotton candy into the chocolate fountain.

    After all, if they can get people to focus on the chocolate syrup, cotton candy, macaroons and marshmallows, they can save a lot of money on the junk meat, mac'n cheese, and potatoes in the steam trough.

    I just know that eventually, GC will offer a carmel wading pool for the kiddies. They can eat and swim at the same time while their parents are enjoying their third go-around at the wonderfall! Or maybe a Hansel and Gretal style- gingerbread house made out of real gingerbread you just pull apart with your bare hands. The possibilities are endless- endlessly predictable, and endlessly grotesque.

  3. 1. What's with the two shiny preteens who show up at the :16 mark? They are just standing there while the narrator blathers on, as if ashamed to be part of the whole mess. Actually, I can't blame them if that's the case.

    2. This is also a really good time to stop watching the ad, unless you like to see alleged adults make asses of themselves scarfing down sugar. Ick.

  4. Watch this. Their next innovation will be a deep-frier. That way, the clattering ciphers can have deep-fried chocolate-covered cotton candy.

  5. You're right. I bet they are just working out the safety issues- you really don't want your customers killing each other trying to deep-fry their cookies and air-blown sugar.

    Maybe they can bring in the people at Best Western who somehow managed to invent a way to let people make waffles for their continental breakfast without causing critical damage every morning.

  6. Judging from the sort of folks who patronize this fine eating establishment when I have had to go there, I doubt they will be able to do that. In the KS location I have been to, it seems that entrance qualifications are based on weight, lack of dentation, use of scooters and oxygen, and number of nasty tattoos. Chef Irvine would shoot himself out of sheer desperation.