Monday, June 4, 2012

Why I DON'T have Life Insurance

This commercial needed a personalized rewrite, and I was more than happy to oblige.

Scene I of I:   Father and son sprawling on massive couch in massive living room in typical Suburban Palace.

Narrator: "Life Insurance Protects your family."

Son:  "Daddy, what's life insurance?"

Me:  "I'm so glad you asked, son.  You know how Daddy goes to work every morning very early and comes home very late, usually really tired, and Mommy and Daddy have the kind of loud talk that parents have in the kitchen, while Daddy's dried-out dinner is being warmed in the microwave?"

Son:  "Yeah."

Me:  "Well, you see, Son, when Mommy and Daddy got married Mommy suddenly decided that she wanted to stay at home as soon as she got pregnant with you, even though she said something very different when they were dating, and Daddy had to take extra hours at the office in order to make up the lost income so we could still afford to pay for this house, which she picked out before she decided she wanted to stay home."

Son:  "Okay.."

Me:  "Well, it's not enough that Daddy works his fingers to the f--ing bone to pay all the f--ing bills so that Mommy can do whatever she does when she's not interviewing new housekeepers and somehow using a tank of gas in the SUV every three days.  You see, it's very important that Daddy also sends money to a company downtown so that when Daddy drops dead of a heart attack at the age of 45 because he worked himself to death, You and Mommy and Mommy's New Male Friend can continue to live in this big, beautiful house with the paid-up mortgage after dancing on Daddy's grave."

Son:  "Um....are you going to die soon, Daddy?"

Me:  "Oh, don't worry,  I won't die until the policy matures.  That's my life in a f--ing nutshell.  The day it kicks in, I'll probably make my exit.  But don't worry-- like I said, you'll still have your big room and tv and X-box and Kraft Mac'n Cheese and weeks at the beach and DisneyWorld and your mom will still have her jewelery and her shopping and everything will go on just like I was still here, except Mommy will have even MORE time to do stuff other than keep my house clean and make dinner like she promised she would before she took the mask off, five minutes after we got back from the Honeymoon."

Son:  "I'm glad we have insurance."

Me:  "Of course you are.  I would be too, if I were you, or Mommy, or anyone else but me.  Now shut up, the commercial's over and Daddy would just ONCE like to watch the game in peace, which we both know is going to end the moment Mommy walks in the door."


  1. Ah, my. If they hadn't ruined MAD Magazine, we could have filed an ad like this in the "Dumbbell Indemnity Department."

  2. Maybe it's just me, but I'll never get the "put money aside so your survivors can live like kings on your grave" industry. Especially in the 21st century, when most families feature two breadwinners. This just seems very old-fashioned to me- "if I die, I want to make sure the bubble-headed breeder I married for free sex doesn't have to go out into the real world and earn a paycheck, god forbid."

    1. Ads like this are so sexist, I expect the little wifey to bawl her eyes out because hubby tried to scare her with talk about death and dismemberment.

  3. How about, "If I die, I want to make sure my son doesn't have to work at Farm Fresh as a bagger, and can afford to go to college without obtaining a mountain of debt.". Or better yet, "If I die, I'd like to have a trust fund for my child that guarantees him money to take care of specific needs that I established as part of the trust, so my lazy wife doesn't spend all the money on her nails, hair, jewelry and new free-loading boyfriend." Life insurance is a great tool if you use it the correct way and set it up based on your final wishes. :)

  4. I think it's pretty easy to tell that I'm just a bitter, cold, lonely person who can't imagine why anyone would ever care so much about anyone else. Especially after you are dead.

    Frankly, I think most kids could gain from bagging groceries for a while- I did it after I got my Master's Degree because the Dairy Department at Wegman's was the only job I could get. My father wasn't thoughtful enough to keel over and leave me a pot of money (he STILL hasn't-- how's THAT for selfish?)

    And if I were married and I died, I'd expect my wife to keep doing what she was doing when I was alive- working, and living within a certain set of means. The idea that I'm going to set it up so that she can live high off the hog after scattering my ashes over the Vermont countryside wouldn't even occur to me.