Saturday, June 9, 2012

Another It's Amazing You Are Still Alive late night tv ad

I have to admit, this is a tough commercial to snark on.  You see, I have lost many, many friends to tragic Looking for Soap accidents.  Whenever I get a chance, I warn people to please, PLEASE make sure they've got plenty of soap (four or five bars, just to play it safe) before stepping into the shower.  And if they forget and realize that they don't have any soap, please DON'T be a hero-- just chalk it up to bad luck, turn off the water, dry the entire shower floor carefully, and take your time (10-15 minutes ought to do it) stepping out of the shower.  There will be other opportunities to wash yourself in the future, and take it from me- those things are death traps.

In fact, my long, heartbreaking experience with Lack of Soap incidents (why, oh WHY don't they look?  It haunts me) has made me kind of an evangelist on the issue, constantly reminding people that sponge baths are a perfectly acceptable alternative to traditional, death-inviting showering.   And if they MUST risk everything by doing it the old fashioned way, at least invite a friend over and keep the bathroom door unlocked, so they can come in and perform a rescue when the inevitable accident takes place.  I tell them they'll thank me, but like most people who refuse to see danger until it's too late, they just look at me strange and stop inviting me to their parties.  Or answering the phone when I call. 

This device, at least, gives me a little hope that I won't be spending more than a few days in the next year attending the funerals of old friends who simply could not remember to check for that damn bar of soap before turning on the water.  This wonderful gadget, which ought to be listed right up there with the smallpox vaccine as inventions which dramatically increase life spans of people smart enough to use them, holds up to SEVEN bars of soap and comes in two colors.  And it's so easy to use- even people too dumb to remember that soap does not last forever can probably manage to install and operate one of these things.   I'm going to get all my friends one, and stock them with the maximum seven bars before handing them over.   That should be worth at least a couple of months of peace of mind- and what a relief it will be to finally get a decent night's sleep, not worrying that one of my close acquaintances isn't moments away from falling to her death in the bathroom because she didn't check the soap dish first.*

Here's the odd thing, though- no Special Offer attached to this particular item.  No second SoapAway Absolutely Free of Charge Just Pay Extra Shipping and Handling.  Kind of odd, because it breaks the Late Night TV Commercial rule.  Shows you how seriously the manufacturer takes the product, clearly.  This is something you MUST have, and should NOT be equated in any way to Eagle Eyes Sunglasses or Magic Diamond Non-Stick Frying Pans.  SoapAway, after all, is the only thing standing between you and a slow, agonizing death on your bathroom floor.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take a shower- and since I don't have one of these things yet, that means I have to start calling my friends to see if anyone is willing to come over and sit in my living room listening for a thump and a scream.  Wish me luck.

*Yeah, I have male friends, but I don't think of them in the shower, thanks anyway. 


  1. "Here's the odd thing, though- no Special Offer attached to this particular item. No second SoapAway Absolutely Free of Charge Just Pay Extra Shipping and Handling. Kind of odd, because it breaks the Late Night TV Commercial rule"

    What about the clam sponge and clam sponge hook?

  2. Next thing you know, they'll come up with an amazing advance that saves people from the perils of grapefruit splashover.

    (Note to self: quit describing unclaimed gold mines. Hucksters read this blog too.)

  3. I'll be right over, John. You're right, you can't be too careful. I lost five friends last week when they had to get out of the shower for soap! *shakes head sadly* I don't know if I'll ever be able to take more than a sponge bath ever again.

  4. Well, at least no smart young thing has started up a Blogger account for the specific purpose of accusing you of shaking them down. That's something in their favor.

  5. Dreaded, I'm sure the huffy, indignant How Dare You Question The Veracity Of Our Product reply is being prepared as I type.