Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Ally's Dishonest Salute to Honesty

Sometimes, I find myself talking back to commercials.  Usually it's because the ad's messages is so damned stupid, so obviously insulting, so f--ing manipulative and so blatantly appealing to the knuckle-draggers who believe everything they see on tv.  This commercial for Ally Bank- "trust us, because we think you are all idiots"- definitely falls into this category.

So Ally asks a "random" passer-by to watch a briefcase containing $100,000.  For some reason, the random passer-by says sure.  Then the Ally spokesman walks away.  A camera is trained on the sucker who agreed to watch the briefcase.  And we Bigger Suckers are supposed to be impressed that he doesn't take any of the money.

Groan.  Where to begin?  First, no one with two brain cells to rub together would agree to accept the job of watching a briefcase filled with money without asking any questions beforehand.  Deep questions like "when will you be back for it" and "what am I supposed to do with it if you don't come back for it" and the very basic (seems to me) "why do you want me to watch this briefcase?"

Second, NO ONE would take ANY MONEY out of the briefcase because it would be patently obvious to a mentally ill box turtle that THIS IS A COMMERCIAL and I AM BEING WATCHED DUH!!  The shock would have been if Ally had managed to find someone stupid enough to open the case, take out money, and stuff it into their pockets- or just walk away.

My bottom line with this ad is:  Ally thinks people are really stupid.  Ally wants customers, but has no respect for them.  And the advertising firm Ally hired to make this insulting waste of my time is so devoid of talent that it decided to use a "Candid Camera" gag to attract those new customers.  Besides thinking that we are way too stupid to understand the concept of No Fees banking without being hit over the head with a rubber mallet.

Here's what I would do if an Ally spokesman every asked me to watch a briefcase full of money:  As soon as the idiot left, I'd open the case and start tearing the bills into pieces, one by one.  When the guy suddenly jumped out of the bushes to ask "what the hell are you doing?" I'd reply "hey, I'm watching the money.  What is your problem?"  If he protested, I'd explain that this is exactly what you should expect when you do something as dumb as handing a huge amount of money to a total stranger and then just walking away.


  1. I love your idea! No one with any sense is going to agree to watch a briefcase of money without asking questions, and no one is going to ask a total stranger to watch money for them unless it's a set-up, in which case the chances of there actually being legal tender in the case is only slightly better than the Amazon River freezing over in the middle of the summer.

  2. It would be more accurate to just leave the briefcase on the ground and see if anyone takes it, because that's a more accurate portrayal of both people's moral strength as well as leaving your money in a bank.

    1. Especially owing to the amusing possibility of a concerned citizen alerting law enforcement to the briefcase full of money. Given today's world, this would have the salutary effect of having it shot by the bomb robot.

  3. Who does this money belong to? Why aren't you just carrying yourself? Are you being chased? Hell no I will not hold that briefcase for you!