Friday, September 14, 2012
Bethel, Alaska: Where the population eagerly awaits the welcome balm of Death
I sure hope this ad is a put-on by our friends at Taco Bell. PLEASE don't tell me that there is actually a town in Alaska which is SO pathetic and SO sad as Bethel is portrayed here.
Please don't tell me that the population of Bethel, Alaska is SO lacking in a reason to wake up in the morning that the rumor that a restaurant specializing in piling greasy hamburger and limp onions and lettuce on top of over-sized Doritos sends the whole freaking town into an ecstasy of anticipation. Please don't tell me that when this balloon was punctured, the town collapsed into mass despair not felt since the county outlawed hunting moose from helicopter and Sarah Palin lost the Vice Presidency.
I mean, there's no way this town's happiness could hang on such a slim thread- is there? I lived in Buffalo for four years in the early-90s. Except for my beautiful wife, there wasn't much in Buffalo. There were bars, and bowling, and a football team that made the Super Bowl every year, but couldn't win it. That's about it. But I don't even remember if there was a Taco Bell around- if there was, I didn't notice. If there was, it didn't make me happy or make life more worth living. I guess I just don't get this.
Anyway, Taco Bell makes Everything Better for this town full of hopeless losers by delivering a load of disgusting non-food disguised as tacos, and the hicks naturally react with appreciative cheers and gorging. Ugh. Taco Bell gets a commercial, the townsfolk get to eat a lot of junk, and the town of Bethel, Alaska gets to be the laughing-stock of the civilized world. Congratulations St. Cloud, Minnesota- you've finally managed to get out from under that--err, cloud-- you created for yourself when you decided to whore for Serta matresses.
Except- this didn't REALLY happen, did it? Because if it did-- once the trucks filled with spicy, fatty crap have gone, what are the people of Bethel, Alaska going to do? Erect a shrine to Taco Bell? Sacrifice a virgin once a year to Bring the Tacos Back? What?