Saturday, September 15, 2012

They needed the world to know: They are in Xanadu. With an Ultrabook.

Ok, when I first viewed this ridiculous mess, I actually thought that it was SO damned stupid, SO damned pretentious, SO overflowing with awfulness that it was immune from snark. But because I'm kind of a trooper who views every challenge that does not have anything to do with my job or making money as something worth tackling, I decided to watch it a couple of times and see what I could come up with.

 Here goes: This ad seems to be taking place during the Hollywood Version of the Middle Ages, when kings never took off their crowns and everyone wore glittering robes and lived in gigantic castles and bleated overwrought lines like High School students auditioning for the big spring production of "MacBeth." Or maybe "Braveheart." Except- they are all using laptops and projectors, while in the real Middle Ages any technology more advanced than a Zippo lighter would probably get you accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake. Anyway, King Vitamin is trying to explain some sales chart (why is the King doing this? Never mind) but the Not-Magical Internet Connection or processor speed or whatever is soooooo sloooowwwww that everyone is getting bored and frustrated. By "everyone" I mean the people in the commercial as well as we in the audience, who have already gotten the joke, dismissed it as very unfunny, and just want to know what Amazing Can't Do Without It piece of glowing junk we will ultimately be told to buy, if we are just a little more patient.

Wench walks in and announces the sales figures without even averting her eyes or asking permission to speak (better nip this in the bud, ye Lords, no telling what it could lead to in the- ahem, "future.") And here's where it gets really stupid (no, really- everything up to this point actually makes sense and is perfectly reasonable compared to what's coming next.) The "King" and his Merry Band of Sales Zombies-- errr, Knights of the Round Table-- are absolutely astonished by the "sorcery" displayed by the Fair Maiden's Ultrabook.

Because having 2011 technology in the 13th century is no big deal. But 2012 technology? BURN THE WITCH! For any of this to make even the slightest amount of sense, all of the people in this ad must be Renaissance Festival Organizers who have finally snapped after years of playing dress-up while traveling from town to town to juggle and wave plastic swords and be ogled at by the local yokels guzzling "mead" and eating giant turkey legs while enjoying the "Medieval Experience" (which apparently included plastic axe throwing, face-painting, and Shakespeare Scrum. Man, it must have been fun back then. Why would anyone give that up for something as iffy as "Progress?")


  1. There are others like this, too, sadly. Seems to be the theme of their commercials. Another has an Old West setting. They want you to think that anything not made within the last 3 months might as well be built with sticks and mud.

    1. Some nice person should suggest to Greenpeace that they do a counter-ad about how throwing away expensive stuff like this will take us back to the Stone Age. Just sayin'.

  2. Three months, eh? That seems kinda, I don't know, generous of you.