Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Crush this, Corona

I'm sure we were all rooting for this yuppie pond scum to "crush" the sales meeting, convince Company A to buy Company B's product, and ensure that five people in a corporation employing thousands get big nice juicy bonuses which allow them to actually go on exotic vacations like the one the rest of them can only experience vicariously by drinking Corona beer. With lime.

 Personally, I wish that the other people at the table had responded to "Crushed It" a bit more honestly- by asking him if he ever had any aspirations beyond being a total corporate whore whose life consists of begging other people to give his bosses money so he can keep earning a paycheck which allows him to head off to the Chestnut Tree Cafe to pretend he isn't incredibly depressed and to drown what is left of his soul in watered-down swill. Spiked with lime.

At the very least, they could have responded to "Crushed It" with "look, I don't have enough Coronas in me to pretend to be happy for you. Give me half an hour. But please don't ask me what I think about it in an hour- because by then, I'll have enough alcohol running through my veins to tell you exactly what I think of your three-day beard, your moussed hair, and your 'I accomplished something worth celebrating today, and I'm really only here to bask in your admiration and drink beer until I fall down' attitude."

Of course, I'm only guessing what this guy "crushed," but since every twenty-something guy in commercials who wears a tie works in Marketing, I think I'm pretty close to the mark. This guy didn't crush nailing down funding for the homeless shelter. He didn't reach that kid in the back of the classroom who never thought she could keep up with her peers. No, he just managed to convince Company A to buy a certain amount of what Company B is selling. Congratulations, buddy. Celebrate with a quality beer. Or a Corona. Take it easy, though- remember, you have to get up tomorrow morning, put that tie back on, and head to the office to do it all over again. Here's the good news: When you die, it's quite possible that neither you nor anyone else will even notice.

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