Saturday, December 17, 2016

Random Truths to Ring in the New Year- Hollywood Edition

(None of these are disputable, btw.  So don't give me any crap, especially about the Prequels.  I may have to put up with having a Fascist in the White House but I don't need to deal with prequel apologists.)

1.  There Have been Three Star Wars films, and there will never be more than three Star Wars films.  Those films are Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi.  There's no such film as A New Hope (and if you don't believe me, just watch the original scoll embedded with this blog post.) There are no "prequels" and there aren't any "sequels," either.  The Star Wars franchise opens with the Empire eliminating the last of the Imperial Senate and it ends with the overthrow of the Empire and restoration of the Republic.  It's basically the history of Rome with a happier ending.

And yes, this means that to be a Jedi you have to be pure of heart and a willingness to devote your life to defending the citizens of your universe.  That's why they are called "knights," dammit.  You don't need little bugs in your bloodstream.  Because there aren't any prequels.  And in the end freedom is restored and Darth Vader has redeemed himself, the end.  Because there aren't any sequels.

2.  There have been Three Indiana Jones films, and there will never be any more than three Indiana Jones films.  Those films are Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  There's no Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, and I know this because I saw the film when it was released and I used to have the original poster.  And don't even get me started on that rumored "fourth film" which does not exist.

3.  There was one Rocky film.  It was called Rocky.  It had a great story which did not lend itself to a sequel at all- a loser who has never dared to reach for his full potential is placed in a situation which gives him one last chance to prove to himself that he's not a loser.  He achieves this by going the distance with the undefeated, invincible heavyweight champion of the world- and now he's shaken off the weight of a wasted, directionless life and can go on to a happy life with Adrian.  He doesn't get a rematch (he doesn't want one at the end of the one film, and neither does the champion) because Chuck Wepner, who inspired Stallone to make this movie by coming within seconds of going the distance with Muhammed Ali and knocking the champ down in the process didn't get a rematch.  He sure as hell doesn't win the damn title.

No second film.  And don't even get me started with Mr. T or Ivan Drago.  Those guys don't exist. Because this Oscar-winning film was a stand-alone.

4.  There were two Terminator films, period.  They were called The Terminator and Terminator: Judgement Day.  The second film tied up all the loose ends and assured that Skynet would never exist, so no nuclear armageddon happy ending all around.  If there were any more films- and there aren't- they would totally wreck the point of the two films and probably erase the timelines as well, because that always happens when time-travel films don't know when to stop beating a good idea to death.  If they kept making Terminator films after the two they did make, they'd probably end up completely bleaching out the original story and have Sarah Connor meet a protective Terminator as a child or something really insulting and stupid like that.  Man I'm glad that never happened.

5.  There was only one Iron Man movie.  It ends with Tony Stark, having realized that his life has been a shallow pursuit of earthly pleasures leaving him a vacant waste of skin, tossing aside his old habits in exchange for a life dedicated to repairing the damage done by his blood-drenched weapons company.  He received his epiphany when facing imminent death in a cave in Afghanistan and watching a total stranger willingly sacrifice his life to aid his escape.  If there were any sequels, they'd probably completely forget Tony's growth and have him go right back to being an obnoxious, spoiled playboy obsessed with his own shallow desires and responding to slowly dying by becoming a morose, "I don't give a damn" peevish brat.  That would have been awful.

If I think of any more Indeniable Truths concerning movies, I'll post them here because this is the kind of stuff bloggers do at the end of another year- I think it's the way guys respond to midlife crises when they can't afford a Lexus convertable  or a girlfriend half their age.

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