Capital One, Jennifer Garner, and another failure to read the damn room

 

Capital One is not going to let SNAP benefits being frozen- leading to hunger for tens of millions of Americans, including children- Section 8 Housing being threatened, or Affordable Care Act guarantees being placed on the chopping block stop them from making commercials featuring the insufferably perky Jennifer Garner* and the caption "Americans love to travel...."

Because I guess people who have Capital One credit cards simply fly* above the problems of the unwashed masses, don't they?  Especially when they use those cards to manage "organic farm" companies or just dish with friends at airport lounges over tall glasses of white wine.  Heck, finally getting into that business class seat is probably a disappointment after those big puffy lounge chairs in the exclusive airport club; nothing another tall glass of white wine won't fix, though.

*Jennifer Garner might well have the most punchable face in commercial tv these days.  Seriously, Ms. Garner, get that perpetual smile off your cake hole already.  It's so twee and sugary it's spiking my insulin levels.  And blood pressure.

**Considering that flying itself is about to become another casualty of Shutdown 2025 (2025-26?) I guess Ms. Garner and her friends are going to enjoy those exclusive airport hangouts away from the rifraff even more in November.  The rest of us will be sitting on the floor at our gates or standing in line at Dunkin Donuts.  Don't worry, we won't harsh your buzz.  

My Fitbit New Year's Resolution is to stop paying attention to my Fitbit

 

The daily updates part, anyway...

I mean, come on.  If I work out every day for three or four days in a row, the App will tell me that I'm running the risk of overtraining, which is fine.  If I goof off or I'm sick and don't exercise for three or four days in a row, it tells me that I'm in danger of undertraining and should ramp it up a bit, again- that's fine.

But more often than not, the advice the app gives me doesn't sinc with reality, and is sometimes just plain contradictory.  Sometimes it tells me that I've really been pushing it, so my "readiness is high" and it gives me a very high cardio load target.  Sometimes it says that I've been "maintaining fitness" so I should reach a certain level "to get back on track."  Then there are the days that it tells me to "slow down and take it easy to avoid injury," only to follow up 24 hours later by chastising me for "undertraining."

The bottom line is, I think that Fitbit is pretty much the modern equivalent of one of those Magic 8 Balls we Boomers liked when we were little; fun, but totally random in the "advice" they give.  

So the first of my early New Years' Resolutions is to stop reading the daily "Readiness" report on my Fitbit and just stick to reaching my step and cardio goals.  Not that they are perfect, either- I can't tell you how many times I've spent 30 minutes on a treadmill, 15 minutes lifting weights, and and 15 minutes stretching only to be given zero or very few credit on the cardio goal.  Like, WTF, Fitbit?

Oh, and continue to stay off sugar.  That's important, too.  

So Jersey Mike's couldn't afford Peyton. Got it.

 

The whole "replacing a geriatric tv and (briefly) film star from the 1980s with the third-or-fourth most recognizable retired quarterback to sell our crap overpriced sandwiches" thing got stale faster than any of these sandwiches will, considering the level of preservatives they (not the film star or quarterback) are stuffed with.

That being said, the whole Manning thing in general has gotten just as old.  Whether it's Eli or his much more visible- dare I say ubiquitous- brother, seriously, haven't we had enough of this family already?  Judging from the college scoreboard, it will be awhile before a third Manning achieves the same level of media overload, though I certainly see that happening down the road.  Because for some reason, tv can't get enough of the Mannings.  

Personally, I wouldn't buy one of these sandwiches if it was being promoted by anyone because I know that in advertising a buck is a buck and I think Eli Manning eats Jersey Mike subs about as often as David Ortiz places bets on his iPhone or Pat Mahomes spends afternoons hanging out with his State Farm agent.  But someone explain to me how Danny DeVito sells anything.  Then explain to me the appeal of the Manning brothers.  I'll wait. 

Suggestion to Range Rover: Get Out More

 

Seriously, the jokes write themselves.  If this is the "Best Luxury SUV in the city," that's either a very small city or a large city in which all of the other SUVs are out on vacation somewhere.  And the reason why they can be on vacation is because unlike this ridiculous piece of garbage, they can actually travel more than a hundred miles or so without the Check Engine Light coming on.

Anyone who buys one of these things has money burning a hole in their pocket and mice building nests in the hole in their head.  The only Range these things Rove is the one between the side of the road and the local garage.  

Coca Cola Fans? Feel free to take the day off

 

Since "fan work is thirsty work," I strongly encourage you to remember that it's the weekend and you should not be doing any work at all.  Maybe it's just me, but whether I'm sitting in a sports bar or a stadium, it's perfectly fine with me if the person sitting in the next seat isn't screaming like a deranged banshee as if anyone on the field can hear what he's bellowing.  I sure can hear it, and I don't want to.  Just drink your stupid soda, idiot.

Peloton has hit rock bottom

 

In the 1980s, there was this machine called a Bowflex which was advertised as being able to replace an entire gym worth of equipment.  Every exercise you needed to become pumped was available in one simple assembly of hard rubber bows attached to a bench so scrap that Gold's Gym membership and buy one of these things and work out in the comfort of your own home.

Later, Bowflex began to introduce different versions of its base machine, different machines altogether, and adjustable weights- each of which really undermined the original "this is all you need" pitch.

In the 2010s, Peloton made basically the same argument with it's bike which became enormously popular during COVID as going to the gym became impossible and some people simply refused to acknowledge the countless number of free online workout programs being made available by wannabee fitness influencers.  

But come to think of it, the latest incarnation of the "Peloton System," which doesn't even include biking, is better compared to all those commercials for sickly-sweet overpriced cereal which featured the carb and sugar-heavy junk in bowls surrounded by juice, toast, and a glass of milk- "Part of this Complete Breakfast."  Thing is, you could take that bowl of chemicals out of the equation and still have a complete breakfast (a more nutritious and healthy one, in fact.)  Likewise, we see the woman in this ad doing all kinds of great calorie-burning movements and working up a healthy sweat, all without any need for a $1500 bike and subscription service.   Ah, because it's a "System," you see.  The bike is still part of the system- Part of a Complete Workout Program, if you will.  But let's be honest- it's the very, very expensive part, and a truly Unnecessary Part.  It's the Cap'n Crunch of the breakfast table.  And the metaphor is even more apt when you check out the price of Cap'n Crunch.  

Jeep Presents: The Last Desperate Gasp of a Dying Brand

 

The ad tells us that the Jeep Grand Cherokee is an "ultra luxurious and capable SUV."  Let's break down that nonsense, shall we?

It's a Jeep which is an SUV.  I hardly know where to start with this one.  Remember when the Jeep was a unique vehicle for people who wanted to ape the experience of being in the military without all the shooting?  People who wanted a vehicle to crash through forests and shallow ponds and drive up sand dunes in?  Well, you don't do that crap with an SUV.  (You don't do it with a Jeep these days, either, unless you want it to break in half the first time it hits a stump.  Do I really have to remind you that this is a Stellantis product?)

It's a Grand Cherokee, which means that the Company formerly Recognized as Jeep might be willing to sell out pretty much everything that made it's brand unique but it's drawing the line at surrendering cultural appropriation. 

It's Ultra Luxurious, which means it's got comfy heated seats and lots of expensive screens and Bluetooth and all that other stuff nobody in their right mind could imagine being in a Jeep thirty years ago when Jeeps were still cool-looking and fun to imagine owning.  Gotta justify that $72000 price tag, I guess, and buzzphrases like "Ultra Luxurious" sure helps.  Pretty sure that those Jeeps in Korea and Vietnam weren't anything close to "Luxurious," but then again they weren't SUVs either, so....

It's "capable."  This is damning with faint praise and just meaningless.  Capable of what, exactly?  Hitting 10,000 miles on the odometer without needing serious, expensive shop maintenance?  I kind of doubt it.  Again, this is Stellantis, Latin for Crap.  Capable of getting from Point A to Point B on most occasions?  Sure, why not.  But you can get that in an SUV (and the bottom line is, this is an SUV, not a Jeep) for one-third the price of this nonsense and best of all, you can get it in a product that has the Toyota or Honda emblem on it which means it will actually last and cost a minimal amount to maintain. 

I won't miss Jeep, because it's already a dead brand.  Whatever this is, it sure as hell isn't a Jeep.  Just another UpperMiddleClassFamilymobile pretending to be something cooler.  Available for only 84 easy payments of $857 plus tax.  Hard pass.