Amazon's "Christmas Gift for Dad" Commercial is multiple levels of Bad

 

Why does the kid look like he's about to wet his pants if his girlfriend's dad doesn't like his gift?  The stakes seem really, really high here- like, the dad is either going to order the kid stoned to death, or he's going to accept the kid's bride price offer and hand over his daughter as a concubine. 

Why is the situation so tense?  It's a freaking gift exchange- stupid enough in itself, since these people are all adults- but pretty innocent when you come right down to it.  Maybe whipping out your phone at this exact moment isn't the best idea- is the kid really going to scroll for something else right there in front of the dad?  Does he think that Amazon is going to deliver whatever he orders in the next thirty seconds?  Is is REALLY a good plan to respond to a dud gift by instantly buying something else?  Is this the kind of family you want to be connected to?  The girl isn't that cute, buddy.  

Why does the father seem to hate the wrapping?  Does he really care about the wrapping?  If so, please revisit my point about maybe not being connected to this family. 

If I were the dad, the first thing I'd wonder is "why is this massager not in it's own box?"  I mean, it looks like it was just wrapped in tissue paper and stuck in a generic cardboard box.  The second thing I'd wonder is "did this originally come in a padded envelope because it's a cheap Chinese knockoff?"  And the third thing I'd wonder is "hmmm....no original box.  No directions.  Just wrapped in tissue paper.  This is something the kid stole from his own house ten minutes before heading over here.  This has Regifting written all over it."

All this being said, this is a really mean-spirited ad and it doesn't help my mood to see it being run in English and Spanish at least three times each per hour on ESPN.  Another fail, Amazon.  And go change your pants before apologizing for the stain you left on the couch, kid.

Sell your soul now, Make this Commercial Later.

 

1.  I know it's been 24 years since a Certain Incident Involving Hijacking changed air travel security measures, but maybe we DON'T make a commercial featuring a guy leaping from his seat to grab the phone away from a stewardess making general announcements to the passengers?  Just a thought.

2.  Will Ferrell has a net worth of approximately $160 million.  He does NOT use Buy Now, Pay Later services which target not just people with low income, but who also have terrible credit ratings.  His excitement over the "convenience" of splitting purchase costs into four easy payments is exactly proportional to the amount of money he's being paid to whore Capitalism's latest Keep Them Spending, Keep them Poor probably-should-be-illegal cash cow.  It's not online gambling (at least, not technically) but it's still pretty offensive.  

What a tangled web we Wove

 

I'm trying to grasp the mentality of being dropped into a war zone and having anywhere near your top 100 concerns getting a $10,000 engagement ring shipped to your girlfriend back in the states.  Like, how is this a priority?

It almost sounds like an SNL skit; if I found out that a fellow soldier deployed to Iraq was researching how to get a $10,000 engagement ring to his girlfriend, I wouldn't assume that he is looking to buy from some website.  I'd assume that some looting had gone on and he was trying to figure out how to get a valuable piece of contraband out of the country.

In any case, what the hell is wrong with just waiting till you get back to the States?  That ring isn't a contract, after all.  She can still dump your deployed ass while you are fighting for, um, your country.  She can turn that ring into a down payment for an Audi.  She can use it to pay for her boyfriend's bail bond.  All kinds of possibilities.

One more thing- I hear a lot of stuff about a woman's "dream ring."  If your dreams involve a piece of pretty rock that costs more than a year of my rent, well, I guess everyone has the right to dream.  But I have the right to call your dreams damn shallow.  And I will.

Lexus' gross "Through the Years" commercial*

 

I guess it's supposed to be "heartwarming" that "through the years," Lexus has never forgotten what's "important:"  Providing overpriced look-at-me mobiles for spoiled rotten rich suburbanites to make their perfect lives even more perfect at the very end of what was for many millions of people another rough year economically.

There are no recessions in December, or any other time, for customers of Christmas Lexuses (Lexi?)  There are no layoffs, no stock market crashes, no downsizing, and certainly no inflation stress.  The coming of cold weather and colored lights brings nothing less than the promise of another brand new Lexus to drive to the Million-dollar Old Family Homestead/Estate with your beautiful wife and beautiful children while dressed in your thousand-dollar winter outfits.  After parking the Lexus ostentatiously in front of the house, it's inside for an evening of congratulating each other being thankful for not being part of the 99 percent who has to worry about grubby things like keeping the lights on and if the SNAP benefits are going to be held up (again) in January.   And for being in a country with some of the lowest income tax rates in the civilized world, allowing the Very Best of Us to not only buy new cars but also stack piles of cash in hedge funds and trips to Disneyworld and brand-NEW outfits to wear to Grandpa's house because he and the siblings might recognize the cashmere coat from last year and that would be a real scandal. 

*equally gross is the comment section, which has to be bots or paid spokeswhores of Lexus.  I mean, come on.  These people can't be real. 

Macy's: Another Company that really, really needs to read the room this December

 

So this woman walked into Macy's with a list of all the people she "has" to buy presents for, including her college roommate and her dog walker.  

I'd like to know who is getting that ridiculous coffeemaker (those Breville Espresso machines run anywhere from $699 to over $2000.)   Or one of those cashmere sweaters, which Macy's claims usually run at $150 and up but are currently on sale for about $75.  (I'd really like the person who gets the coffeemaker and the person who gets the sweater to receive them at the same holiday party.)   I couldn't see what brand those watches are but a quick trip to the Macy's website informs me that their watches run anywhere from $150 to over $1000.  

Bottom Line:  This woman is apparently willing to drop what to real people living in Current Timeline is a ridiculous amount of money on gifts for three people.  I think it's safe to assume that she also has family, and maybe a husband and kids, who will also be looking for stuff under the tree from her.  Making this Macy's ad as tone-deaf and unrelatable as any Lexus December to Remember ad.   I mean, come on.  This is ridiculous. 

Two Questions concerning this iPhone Christmas Commercial

 

1.  How tone-deaf does Apple have to be to be pimping thousand-dollar iPhones as perfectly reasonable Christmas gifts "for the whole family?"  I don't give a damn if it's got "excellent cameras" whatever the hell that means.  For the vast majority of Americans, the only way to get one of these things is to strain their credit limits (again) or sign up for a ruinous-in-slow-motion "monthly plan" that will have them deciding between Medication and Food before the tree gets dragged out to the curb.

2.  I know who Jeff Bridges is.  But am I really supposed to know this Zoe person?  May I ask why?  And may I ask how she's connected to Mr. Bridges to the point where they appear to be living in a group home in some of these ads?  Am I just too old for this, or what?

Noise Pollution, brought to you by NFL Pass and a guy who forgot how much things cost years ago

 

Jason Kelce is currently working under a 3-year contract to bloviate on ESPN.  That contract pays him an estimated $8 million per year to do not much of anything at all while sitting in a studio wearing a suit (sometimes.)  His total career earnings in the NFL is estimated at between $81 million and $88 million. 

Oh, and his brother is engaged to a woman with an estimated net worth of $1.6 billion.  

Don't try to convince me that he gives a flying damn how much he's saving on NFL Pass, please.  Let alone that he's so excited about the savings that he can't stop screaming about it.   This is right up there with watching David Ortiz and Kevin Hart flip out about getting free "parlays" through their "favorite" online gambling apps.  Just stop this.  Read the room, and STOP THIS.