Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Could the Subaru at least burst into flames for no reason during the ride back?

I don't care what kind of car this Subaru is- I don't care what kind of gas mileage it gets, what kind of warranty it comes with, or how much legroom it offers.  I don't care about it's safety rating, nor do I care how many it seats.  And I sure don't care how much it costs.

Nothing can distract me from the ad's central message- women exist to frantically follow scruffy Eurotrash-wannabee hipster doofuses as they tick off the items on their upscale bucket lists.  While begging for help in doing so over 1980s-style walkie-talkies (seriously- here's an opportunity to include a cell phone being used for a practical purpose, and you punt? What is the matter with you, Subaru?)

"Do you know where you are going?" "Wherever the wind takes me."  (Deleted line: "So just keep following me, and keep your mouth shut, Woman Fortunate Enough to be Married to Me.")

"You are so off course."  This gets no reply.  Guy in Balloon is done talking to his ride home.  Her annoyance at his thoughtless asshattery, which basically translates into his leading her through the countryside by the nose, has absolutely no impact on him.  Of course, she's no prize herself-  crunching squirrels and other wildlife as she roars through private property to keep up with the Dick She's Inexplicably Attached To.

Oh, but she gets to throw a quip at the end.  To which he responds with a smirk which for all the world says to me "hey, if you think you've just won something, all the better for me- I'm the one who got to ride in a balloon all fucking day while you followed me around in a Subaru."

"Wherever the wind takes me."  Tell me you didn't want a horrible, fatal balloon mishap at that moment which ended with this scumbag being pried up from a manure-ridden country field by an army of crows bearing spatulas.  Jesus, what a jerk.


  1. When the thing does explode, let's hope that through some miracle, John and Elly Patterson and the 'father' from Curtis somehow get killed by the shrapnel.

  2. One hopes the wind will take him into a power line.

  3. While balloons are rather subject to going wherever the wind takes them, responsible, intelligent ballooners (or whatever they're called) bother to make themselves aware of weather conditions and wind speed/direction and other things like that before going out.

    That "cattle guard"? It's called a gate, moron. You're lucky it was open or you and your faithful companions would have to haul the balloon and basket aaaaaaaaaaaaall the way back to where they had to park the cars. Landing on private property because that's where you want to set down is very Not Cool and Extremely Rude.

  4. It's "where the wind took him." I hope he uses that line on the irate property owner with the double-barreled shotgun.

    And absolutely right- expert balloonists don't go "where the wind takes them." There are ways to manipulate a balloon's direction. This is just a pompous, privileged dick doing What He Wants To Do When He Wants To Do It, and fuck the world if it inconveniences anybody.