Sunday, July 22, 2012

Of Clorox, Overgrown Children, and MommyWife

Message: "Fun" is what you have when MommyWife is away.  It's also what comes to a screeching halt once MommyWife comes back.

If women would just pop out kids, keep the house clean, and get the damn meals on the damn table when they are supposed to,* otherwise getting the hell out of the way, DaddyHusband and kids would have so much fun.  Every day would be filled with paintball, water balloons, and the kind of Endless Fun which has nothing to do with Xfinity.

Unfortunately, MommyWife can't be relied upon to just make herself scarce when she's done doing her MommyWife chores, so DaddyHusband and kids need to get their fun under the radar.  They need to snatch up moments of pure happiness when MommyWife is away (shopping, getting her hair or nails done- whatever they do.  I wouldn't know.)  Except for the cooked food, cleaned and folded laundry, and all those other little things that MommyWife takes care of, man life would be so much better if she just wasn't around.

Family Values, brought to us by Clorox.

(two best moments:

"I made a lasagna..." Yes, because naturally DaddyHusband could never, ever be relied upon to feed YOUR kids on his own.

"You're doing laundry?"  Hey, imagine that- a guy doing laundry!  Like a fish riding a bicycle! What will he do next- wash the dishes?  Has the world gone MAD?)

*When I was grading APs in Louisville last month, the worthless dick sitting across from me managed to mention something his wife forgot to pack for him pretty much every day- "I told her to pack my favorite shirt, of course she didn't....I reminded her over and over again not to forget to pack my phone charger, so what do you think happened?  She forgot to pack my phone charger."  Which means I spent most of the week mentally braining this helpless jerk with my chair.  I bet he just couldn't wait to finish up the grading so he could get back to MommyWife.  I wonder how he managed to dress himself every morning.


  1. Oh, super. A viewpoint so chauvinistic and archaic, it'd give John Patterson night sweats and bad acting to boot. Can't they just have some clod talk about how great the stuff is like they used to back in the fifties?

  2. Wow. That The stupid is off the charts. If that's StupidDaddy's idea of fun, no wonder MommyWife is so down on him cutting loose. Any adult with the sense God gave a tree stump would be down on using foodstuffs that Seriously Stain in a water gun fight, at least while wearing clothes that aren't set aside for when you're going to get dirty and stained. It's also a stupid idea because why waste perfectly good food when food coloring in water will achieve the same ends (and it's also a lot cheaper to use food coloring)?

    No freakin' way Clorox is going to remove all those stains, and no way all the laundry's going to be done by the time MommyWife gets back.

    1. It would be a little easier to understand if this was an episode of "For Better or For Worse" and the "food" being wasted was Elly Patterson's Cheapie Weanie Casserole.

    2. Destroying Mom's lasagna is a pretty clear sign of aggression aimed at Mom, don't you think? I'm sure the kids will pick up on it, if they are only a little smarter than Dad- and how hard could that be?

  3. I can just see the dick's wife drinking martinis while playing fetch with the family dog using said phone charger and while a hot gardener uses the favorite shirt to wipe the sweat off his ripped abs... ;-)

  4. Ew, truly loathsome. And since they wasted that lasagna, I guess they'll starve, to boot. Oh, wait, what am I thinking? Naturally they'll go to someplace like KFC and were never planning on eating that silly "mom-food" their warder left behind for them.

    As for the guy at the AP grading and how he managed to dress himself, it's entirely possible that he forgot to wear underwear. Oops, sorry to infect your brain with that--here's the brain-bleach.

  5. Having been married myself to an adult who just assumed that I, too, was an adult, I just can't relate to this Wife-as-Mommy bit. When I was called to substitute teach at dawn, she would make me a sandwich and a thermos of coffee while I showered. When she started off to work early, I would do the same for her. When we both worked, we'd shift for ourselves.

    I can just see this guy's wife folding his handkerchief and putting it in his suit pocket so the points show correctly, and picking out just the right tie to match his suit. Ick.

  6. Let me offer up some others in the same vein: the egregious Oscar Mayer "No" commercials.

    MommyWife gets to say no to everyone about everything, because everyone but her is so stupid -- mostly dad.

    Then she does something "smart" (eating Oscar Mayer products) and when asked about it, she gets to say yes.

  7. Considering that Oscar Mayer products are just about the most salt-and-fat-laden plastic-encased crap you can buy, not exactly evidence of "Mommy Knows Best."

    I remember wanting to lecture all the idiots who piled their grocery carts with "Lunchables" when I worked at a Wegman's back in the early-90s. 6 ounces of "food" in the form of salty crackers, bland, oily cheese and fatty meat wrapped in plastic and cardboard- so when your kid got done poisoning himself, he was left with his personal landfill.

  8. OK, now that my goddamned computer ate my original comment, I'm going to try to recreate it...

    God, what a godawful commercial. Not only for the reasons already well described, but, well, I hope that in view of recent events the company has at least temporarily removed it from circulation. Because how much more bad-taste can you get right now than showing a bunch of men and kids equipped with the squirt-gun equivalent of assault rifles engaging in a massive gleeful shooting spree in which they have loads of fun laughingly imitating the final scene of "Bonnie and Clyde," crowing "YESSSSSS!" as they hit a girl in the back, and generally making as messy a form of mayhem as possible? (The way they're all shown deliberately planning the messiness of the enterprise only makes it worse.) Perhaps this ad could look more tasteless if the gang boobytrapped the house with buckets of stainy syrup and juices and then took their arsenal to the local movie theater to unload there, but that's about the only way.

    Ah, but let's not softpedal the offensiveness of that sexism, indeed. This commercial teaches girls that they better get their shoot-em-up immature fun in now, because in a few years they'll have to be disapproving MommyWives. Boys? They'll never get to grow up and make mature decisions about anything, including the fun they choose to have. Even as men they'll have to sneak around, snatching good times while their wives aren't around. Otherwise? GROUNDED! Ha ha!!

    One more thing: Isn't it a scream how they wasted a perfectly good lasagna in a country where people go to bed hungry every night? You know it.