Saturday, July 21, 2012

Um...why would you serve this to "people you love?"

Time-saving tips from ABC Family, in partnership with Hamburger Helper in a nefarious plot to rot our brains AND our intestines with crappy television and even crappier food:

1.)  Install a massive whiteboard onto the wall in the kitchen.  Whiteboards have a million different uses- they allow kids to write stuff like I AM AT TIFFANYS NOT LIKE YOU CARE MOM and DAD CALLED HES PISSED AGAIN and FU I AM ON A DATE WITH TONY YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HM WE R IN LUV.   Or for parents to jot down loving notes like OUT AGAIN TONIGHT PIZZA ROLLS IN FRIDGE or DONT FORGET SET BURGLAR ALARM FEED CAT.

 (At the school where I teach, Whiteboards are used to congratulate female graduates when they do the only three things females do which are worthy of praise- when they get engaged, when they get married, and when they have kids.)

2.)  On the rare occasions when you DO get the entire family together, remind them exactly why it's ok that they are so rare by feeding them horrible, cheap slop like Hamburger Helper.  Nothing says "I see dinners with the family as a massive inconvenience considering my busy schedule" more than mixing up a big ol' frying pan full of this trash.  Well ok- maybe Manwiches.  But this is definitely a close second.

So since you are home, and it's dinnertime, well, it can't be avoided,'s six dollars and fifteen minutes worth of effort.  No need to thank me, just my way of showing exactly how much I love ya, honeys.

What, you are still here?  Well, let's all plop in front of the TV and see what ABC Family has for us then.  Get the message yet?  It's ok if you are never home.  If you are home, this is what you can expect.  Because Mommy and Daddy are awfully busy and jeesh, don't you have other kids you want to hang with?


  1. A whiteboard to mark things on is a great idea, but there needs to be some kind of organization to the information or it's a complete waste of time and space, which seems to describe the one in the commercial at first glance. Watching again, I see 'today' written across the top. Okay, fine. And the daughter is adding she has band practice just now because...why? It should have been up there well before now, and a whiteboard that only holds information about what's going on today is only slightly less useless than one with things scribbled here and there.

    I cannot *stand* Hamburger Helper. It's Extremely Salty and one taste tells you everything you need to know about just how full of chemicals it is. The solution to a family that's going in a million different directions fifteen hours a day is to cut down on the number of outside activities--and the number of hours people are watching TV and mindlessly using the internet.

    Please tell me you aren't serious about what whiteboards are used for where you teach.

    1. As he said, he is. Y'see, his class is loaded with Hasidim; the women are praised for getting married and going to work to support loafers who read Torah all day and night.

  2. I wish I wasn't serious, but the whiteboard I described is in the main office, and other than teacher's meetings, that's ALL that is ever written on it.

    One morning I wrote that a former student of mine had just received her Master's Degree. It was erased inside of thirty minutes. Seriously.

  3. Oh, and I totally agree on another point- if the family never sees each other because of all their activities, they have TOO MANY ACTIVITIES. It's as if they are engaged in a frantic attempt to avoid being with each other, and that's just sad.

  4. Cutting down all the pointless activities would also free up time to cook real food. As it stands, this woman might as well be Elly Patterson because she too thinks that it's not junk food if she makes it herself.