Sunday, July 15, 2012

We respectfully request that you do not cry out "I Have Made Fire!" when switching on your "Olde Brooklyn Lantern"

There is so much to love in this advertisement for a product which may or may not be from the people who brought us the Amazing Electric Quaker Heaters Not Actually Made By Quakers.

There is the look of utter astonishment on the old people when the lights suddenly go out- they act like a tribe of superstitious savages experiencing a total eclipse for the first time.  "Light Gone! Where Go Sun?" 

Consider that this couple appears to be of the generation which grew up during the Great Depression, survived World War II, and raised children under the shadow of the Evil Commies during the Cold War.   All those trials and tribulations suddenly pale in comparison to the power suddenly going out.  Now what do we do?  Look astonished.  Run in circles.  Duck and Cover?

The old people- troopers that they are- attempt to go through Life As Usual despite the frightening lack of light.  The scene with the woman attempting to hold a flashlight against her neck with her chin just might be my favorite in the history of commercials.  Um, grandma?  The food is right there on the plate, in front of you.  It's not moving.  Once you've got that concept down, I'm not sure why you actually have to have a beam of light glaring into it.  Considering the junk people put into their bodies at mealtimes these days, I'm not sure you want to have a real good look at it anyway.

Sidebar:  the fact that this couple has managed to cook dinner despite the lack of power has created a bit of controversy over on YouTube, stimulating an argument which seems to be between people aware of the existence of gas-powered stoves and a presumably younger crowd which apparently believes that the only appliances capable of heating food are microwaves and Popeil Rotisseries.  I didn't join in- I was too busy being astonished that posters at YouTube are capable of carrying out a conversation which does not include "What is that Song Where Can I get that Song I need that Song" or nonstop cursing.

The utter astonishment and delight the old people experience when they switch on their Old Brooklyn Flashlights---errr, Lanterns---is a lot of fun too.  Wow, look, light emitting from a metal device, with just the turn of a dial! Astonishing!  What will they come up with next- an appliance for toasting bread?  Once again, the 21st century is proven to be a Second Renaissance!

And then we get to see all the Amazing Things we can accomplish with Light---err, Olde Brooklyn Lanterns (the superfluous "e" in "Olde" is worth at least another five bucks added to the price, don't you think?)  You can play board games.  You can carry on conversations and actually see the people you are talking to (people still do this in the age of cell phones?)  Most of all, you can sit on couches and stare appreciatively at the Olde Brooklyn Lantern.

Of course, you can get an additional lantern absolutely free, just Pay Additional Shipping and Handling.  Simply can NOT get through a commercial for one of these SuperAmazing Devices without throwing that in.

I'll let the makers of Olde Brooklyn Lanterns have the final word- one YouTuber asks "what does it run on?"  A friendly spokesperson for Olde Brooklyn Lantern helpfully responds "It operates on 2 D Batteries."  So- it's a flashlight.  A flashlight which goes through batteries much faster than your standard, Not Lantern Type flashlights, since it emits more light (the "100,000 HOURS" claim, I presume, refers to the life of the BULB, not the BATTERIES.  If it doesn't, I expect that the Friendly Spokesperson will be somewhat Less Friendly when she responds to this post.  BTW, anyone here ever have a bulb from a typical flashlight die on you?)

Anyway- thanks, makers of Olde Brooklyn Lantern, for bringing us this delightfully cheesy commercial, and especially for bringing us into the lives of these very funny old folks and their lack-of-electricity issues.  If I had remained in the Washington DC area over the summer, I would have liked to have a good stockpile of these--ummm, "lanterns" to gaze at as I sat in my hot, humid apartment, drowning in my own perspiration, with no electricity for two weeks.  I escaped, but I'm sure that I left behind many potential customers, who may actually get to see your ad, someday, assuming that f----ing Pepco ever gets it's f---ing act together and gets the f---ing power turned back on.

1 comment:

  1. Great. Super. Thanks to the fact that the televisions in the Mid-Atlantic are still off, no one who would like to buy this thing can see it.