Saturday, December 15, 2012

If a fan massacres science at a football game, and nobody responds, does it make a sound?

I was going to go through the "labels out" choad's explanation to his fellow doofus pudding-brained loser moron friends how holding their not-beer bottles in a certain way would somehow contribute to their team's scoring the winning field goal.  I was going to- but after listening to it two or three times, I realized that I was getting nauseous, I'm not getting paid for this, and so-- to hell with it.

So instead, I'll just comment on that look the Unbeliever has when the field goal kicker- who is in the National Football League, is a Pro, and whose only job is to kick Field Goals- actually manages to...kick a Field Goal.  See for yourself- it's a look which says "Wow, it worked."

Now, I could be charitable here and assume that since it's the end of the game (it's implied that this isn't just any field goal kick, it's the deciding field goal kick) this is not the first Bud Lite Dimwitted, Easily-Duped Dunce has consumed over the past three hours.  I'll also assume that he's rather sensitive to alcohol, and is actually capable of getting buzzed by drinking Lite Beer.  But that's as far as my charity is willing to carry me with this guy.

That look makes it very clear that he honestly believes that because four guys in a crowd of 50,000 turned their beers,  it somehow influenced the trajectory of a football being kicked on a field eighty yards distant.  He doesn't smile appreciatively at the weird superstition of his friends.  He looks for all the world like he buys the gibberish he was fed by the Not-Physics Professor sitting two to his right.  That's not funny.  It's not charming.  It's really, really stupid.

Not as stupid, however, as the line "It's Only Weird if it Doesn't Work."  It doesn't work.  It's just the fans believing that somehow they can be something other than mere spectators, when in fact the only way they can have any impact on the game is by being really loud when their team is on Defense.  Even then, five idiots drinking Lite Beer in the cheap seats aren't going to pull it off.  But I can deal with multicolored socks, face painting, prayers, voodoo dolls, or any other Not At All Effective But Hell You Bought Your Ticket So Go For It idiocy.  But spare me the bullshit "science," ok, Bud Lite?  After all, if you guys knew anything about chemistry, maybe you'd be able to come up with a light beer worth drinking, instead of specializing in bad commercials not worth watching.


  1. I agree. I think it was Dennis Miller who did a bit about sports fans.

    "We won! We won!"
    "No. THEY won. You watched."

    The most aggravating thing to me is that, having grown up in this world where superstitions rule over things like this, even I find that I have to catch myself from making nonsensical connections.

  2. One of my most hated. You just know that face will be what propels him to redundant, commercial stardom. At the ad agency the word gold was probably thrown around and many handshakes and back pats ensued. Now I'm a pretty big football watcher and fantasy player and I can tell you that no kicker is ever perfect so what happens when he misses? They just ignore it? There is another in this series where a guy makes a big beer can horseshoe shaped colts insignia in his refriderator. This is a team that won 2 games last season. At that point its more logical that you are contributing to the team losing. I also hate that they rope this poor black guy into this with "its like magic only real". I have found that there are just sole things serial killing, a love of winter sports and a belief in magic that just are not part of african American male culture. I digress. Anyway its good to be back commenting again. I missed ya.


    1. Excellent points, I wish I had come up with them. What happens when the labels are turned just right, and the kicker misses? What happens when making the horseshoe in the fridge doesn't result in a win? Do we just move on to the next stupid ritual?

      Good to see you back. Please back in tomorrow for the sequel to this post, where the guy really needs to have his story interrupted by a well-placed boot in the ass and his face slamming into the sidewalk.

  3. A fun thing to do with these superstitious idiots would be to just make something up that will drive them crazy. Like make them buy a beer, but say they have to hold it, but can't drink it, in order for the team to win; because "I bought a beer once but forgot I had it next to me, and they won. So each time I bought a beer but never drank it, they won!" I can just imagine them sitting there, desperate to drink that beer, but afraid to, else their team lose. Watching that torture would be more fun than the game.

    1. "When you hold your breath for the entire time your team is on offense, they always score. Try it!"

      The only people we'd lose are the ones who are destined to end up in the annals of the Darwin Awards, anyway.

  4. It's not hard to imagine these jackwads listening to a five-minute explanation of why when I flip my Magic Nickel, it will come up Heads. I go on and on about how I twitch my thumb muscle at exactly the right moment of the flip, which compensates for the breeze being emitted by the air conditioner, allowing for exactly eight revolutions before landing in the palm of my hand at a speed of so many inches per second. And when it comes up Heads, they look at me like I just made Einstein (or maybe Nostradamus) look like a moron, when in fact the only thing I'm really good at is picking really, really stupid friends.

  5. Thing is, I can believe that guys would have some really dumb superstition like this. Hell, I've had them myself in my youth. The thing that I've never seen, that pushes the premise from heart-warmingly dumb to outright stupid, is the elaborate explanation for why it works. No one ever does that. It's just wrong, wrong, wrong, and it's thunderingly stupid, so it fails on two levels.

    Look, the field goal's good when you don't watch. There's no mystical power coming out of your eyes that affects the football to explain it. It's just that you're not watching. And any guy who watches football would understand it. Just like any guy who watches football knows that this line of horseshit is, well, horseshit.

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