Saturday, December 1, 2012

The slow progression from annoying to unbearable, courtesy of Verizon

"This is perfect" pathetic, lonely cat lady says.  You can tell she's pathetic and lonely because

1.  She's sitting all by herself on a couch
2.  She's sitting with a cat,
3.  She's got an empty carton of ice cream on the couch with her (hey, let's leave no Pathetic Lonely Friendless Woman cliche' left unmilked here, Verizon,)
4.  Watching tv on a phone is her definition of "perfect," and
5.  She's wearing glasses.  Yes, that really does mean she's pathetic to the people who wrote this commercial. Not to me- she does plenty later on to reveal herself as truly pathetic.  She didn't need the glasses or the cat.

So pretty soon, because she's got this Verizone NFL Mobile thingee, she's out and about and annoying the hell out of everyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot of her (and she gets louder and louder, so that distance increases throughout the ad.)  She becomes one of those disgusting, anal Know It Alls because she's become permanently attached to her stupid phone, and permanently attached to the NFL through it.

She's bleating stats and "AWW YAYAHH," which in my opinion should bring the death penalty to anyone who utters in in public.  She's holding up lines and forcing everyone around here to "enjoy" the NFL because God Fucking Forbid Anyone In These Commercials Ever Uses Headphones (of course, the non-use of headphones is always demonstrated as a plus in these ads- see, because she's willing to "share," she's made all these awesome friends.)

In the end, she insists on performing some juvenile little ritual that results in someone getting barbecue mashed in his face.  Seems like this is happening during a party of some kind, but that's not surprising- I can't count how many times I've seen people in commercials attending parties, weddings, family picnics, etc. yet are frozen to their God Damned Phones.  It's also not surprising that the guy who gets food all over him courtesy of Miss Verizon Jackass is completely nonplussed about the whole thing.  After all, Idiot Girl was watching her phone.  What did he expect?

Anyway, this ad kind of reminds me of the "Get DirectTV or horrible things will happen to you" ads in reverse- because this woman realized she had this awesome service from Verizon, she got herself out of the house, ditched the glasses, went to a hair stylist, changed her wardrobe and became popular with Fellow Brain-Dead Losers Who Can't Get Enough of the NFL.   Get the message?  Don't be a pathetic cat lady sitting quietly on the couch reading a book or watching non-NFL stuff on tv.   Get the NFL from Verizon.  Be a pathetic cat lady who annoys the freaking hell out of the planet.  Much better.


  1. And don't forget the guy she gets food all over is Drew Brees. So she went all the way from pathetic cat lady with no friends, to attending parties with Super Bowl champion quarterbacks and even spilling food on them. That NFL mobile whatever app is pretty incredible!!

    1. Like I said; the basic message of this and every other cell phone commercial is "buy this product, it will make you popular." Personally, I don't see anything likeable about morons who spend their lives glued to phones, and I don't get the attraction of gathering around to attempt to watch football on a tiny screen.