Sunday, December 16, 2012

It's only Weird if he doesn't buy it

Let's see- I come home from work an hour early, looking forward to surprising my beautiful wife before settling down to watch the Monday Night Football Game.

When I walk into the kitchen, my wife is arranging beers, and there's this strange guy sitting on my couch, drinking a beer of his own.

I ask, "um, who is that?"  My wife responds "He used to live here- and he says he was sitting right there the last time the 49ers won the Superbowl."

If I want to be charitable, I quietly point out that the last time the 49ers won the Superbowl was in 1994.  That's 18 years ago.  Which means that if this guy is telling the truth, he's remembering something that happened when had his own apartment at the age of, what, TEN?

I'm not especially charitable, so instead I respond "Seriously?  You get caught with another guy in the house- and THAT'S the story you come up with?  It's bad enough that you are cheating on me- do you have to humiliate me, and YOURSELF, with the absolute worst alibi EVER?"

Of course, I'm not a TV guy, so it doesn't go that way.  I could never be a TV guy- I shave every morning, I try to dress neatly, I don't think it's funny when my friends get hurt, I don't live to laugh at my friends, and I'm not a beer, sex-and-cell phone-obsessed doofus.*  This woman's hubby IS a TV guy, so he buys the spectacularly unbelievable "this strange man is sitting in our living room because when he was a little boy the 49ers won the Super Bowl" yarn.

I'd say this woman is a real jerk, but I can't because if she's married to a TV guy, she must be a TV girl, which means she's smart and sensible and knows what she's doing at all times.  So I officially don't know what to make of this, except to think that it's probably not a good idea to try this at home, ladies.  Unless you are married to a TV guy- in which case, why not respond to "who's that?" by telling him to STFU and get to work on that damn lawn.

*I can't be.   Beer and cell phones are expensive.


  1. "I didn't know what else to do?"

    How about go back to your own fucking apartment, before I call the cops? While you're at it, I'll call the ambulance, so they can get you to the hospital to surgically remove that beer bottle from where I'm going to shove it.

    1. That would definitely work for me. "I didn't know what to do, so I forced my way past your wife, and now I'm going to sit right here every time the 49ers play." And if I object? I can see this getting really ugly, really quickly.

      Bud Lite's answer to irrational obsession seems to be "feed it and enjoy it." To hell with that.